“Iced: U.S. Marshals Alaska: Alaska’s #1 Fugitive” (A&E 8:30 p.m.) What, do A&E writers get paid by the colon?
“The Underwear Bomber: Detroit Plane Plot” (Discovery 8 p.m.) Best case scenario there, Umar Farouk: You blow up, take out a bunch of infidels and go straight to Paradise, where you are known for all eternity as “The Underwear Bomber.”
Shanks (TCM 12:30 a.m.) Would you believe me if I told you that famed mime Marcel Marceau stars in this 1974 horror story about a mute puppeteer who gets revenge on those who have wronged him by stealing a mad scientist’s formula for resurrecting the dead? ... I didn’t think so.
Dynoshark (SyFy 7 p.m.) Honestly, SyFy, I thought Dinocroc was a masterstroke. But Dynoshark? You’ve surpassed yourselves.
“Minute to Win It” (KOB-4 7 p.m.) Contestants race against the clock to complete stupid little stunts (stacking golf balls, picking up paper bags with their teeth) so they can win a million dollars. Just get on with the televised gladiator fights, already.
“The Celebrity Apprentice” (KOB-4 8 p.m) Among this season’s “who the hell?” participants: Curtis Stone, Summer Sanders, Selita Ebanks and Maria Kanellis.
“The Pacific” (HBO 7 p.m.) What “Band of Brothers” did for World War II Hitler-busters in Europe, “The Pacific” does for World War II Tojo-fighters in the South Pacific.
“Sons of Tucson” (KASA-2 8:30 p.m.) FOX runs out of cartoons to fill out its Animation Domination block, so here’s a live-action sitcom about a fat loser (Tyler Labine from “Reaper”) who gets hired by a bunch of kids to act as their fake dad while their real dad is away in prison.
“Hoarding: Buried Alive” (TLC 8 p.m.) Love “Hoarders” over on A&E? Then feel free to confuse it with this new show.
“Pretty Wild” (E! 11:30 p.m.) Remember how George W. Bush made President Reagan looked like the very model of restraint and sagacity in government? Well, thanks to celebutard reality shows like this, Paris Hilton is starting to look like the very model of decorum and restraint in Hollywood.
“Jessica Simpson’s The Price of Beauty” (VH1 8 p.m.) Jessica Simpson travels the world searching for the meaning of inner beauty.
“TRANSform Me” (VH1 8:30 p.m.) Three transgendered women give ugly ducklings fabulous makeovers—which makes the whole “inner beauty” message of the previous show really fucking confusing.
“Samurai” (History Channel 7 p.m.) Actor and martial artist Mark Dacascos (sadly, best known as The Chairman on “Iron Chef America”) explores the story of Miyamoto Musashi, the most famous samurai warrior in Japanese history.
“Justified” (FX 11 p.m.) A gunslinging modern sheriff (Timothy Olyphant from “Deadwood”) returns to his small Kentucky hometown in this spin-off of some short stories by crime-writing king Elmore Leonard.
“South Park” (Comedy Central 11 p.m.) The rude toon launches its 14th season, featuring the show’s historic 200th episode.