“Stan Lee’s Superhumans” (History 8 p.m.) Tonight, the Human Speed Bump. Honestly, these are some pretty useless powers Stan the Man’s digging up. ... “Did you stop the bank robbers, Human Speed Bump?” “No, but they might have spilled their Big Gulps when they ran over me!”
“The Gulf Is Back” (KWBQ-19 7 p.m.) If The CW says it’s true, it must be. And they’ve got David Hasselhoff hosting a concert by Ricky Skaggs, Bo Bice, Taylor Hicks, Drake Bell and Brian McKnight in to prove it! Hey, if the Gulf Coast weren’t fully recovered from Hurricane Katrina and the BP oil spill, would the Hoff be there?
“Beyond Survival With Les Stroud” (Discovery 8 p.m.) Discovery is pretty obsessed with survival these days. But “beyond survival”? Doesn’t that imply—I don’t know—sitting comfortably on your couch watching the Home Shopping Network?
“Blood Dolphins” (Animal Planet 9 p.m.) Ric O’Barry, star of the documentary The Cove (which airs tomorrow night on Discovery), returns to the Japanese town of Taiji to try and stop dolphin hunting there once and for all.
“Pet-O-Rama” (Animal Planet 5 p.m.) Timothy Dunn and D’Arcy Erokan (of sketch comedy group Upright Citizens Brigade) host a pet talent show from their living room. Intentionally ironic or no: You decide.
The Wish List (Hallmark 7 p.m.) A woman lists the traits of her perfect man, then (surprise, surprise) falls for a guy who meets none of the criteria. A romantic comedy so generic Jennifer Lopez could have starred in it. But all they could afford was Jennifer Esposito.
“The 62nd Annual Primetime Emmy Awards” (KOB-4 6 p.m.) Jimmy Fallon hosts. Apparently NBC is sorry about that whole Jay Leno / Conan O’Brien kerfuffle. The Emmys are the bone that poor, forgotten Jimmy gets tossed.
“Last Day of the Dinosaurs” (Discovery 7 p.m.) Yup, lotta dinosaur orgies on that day.
“Quints By Surprise: 16 Months Later” (TLC 8 p.m.) Seriously, when is TLC (and by extension its viewers) gonna learn that squeezing out offspring isn’t some fantastical feat worthy of awestruck fascination and weekly reality shows. Essentially, half the people on the planet are capable of it. “Quints by Surprise,” “Kate Plus Eight,” “Table for 12,” “19 Kids and Counting”: No matter the number, I remain utterly uninterested.
“The Colony” (Discovery 8 p.m.) Holy cow! This second season of Discovery’s post-apocalyptic reality show is a tense one. Despite the pretend nature of the “disaster,” setting it in a devastated Gulf Coast neighborhood and constantly sending raiders, kidnappers and marauders to attack the colonists makes for one nerve-racking survival situation. Where’s Mad Max when you need him?
“CMA Music Festival: Country’s Night to Rock” (KOAT-7 7 p.m.) Why is country music always trying to rock? Can’t it be satisfied to just, you know, country? ... Huh. I guess they’re mad because the genre doesn’t lead itself to easy verbification.