“Big Brother” (KRQE-13 8 p.m.) Every spring, the swallows return to San Juan Capistrano. Every summer, we get another season of “Big Brother.”
“Torchwood: Miracle Day” (Starz 8 p.m.) Like the mind-blowing Season 3 maxi-series “Children of Earth,” Season 4 of this BBC sci-fi hit consists of a single story arc. Everyone on Earth has suddenly lost the ability to die. Is this a miracle or some sick curse? Americans Mekhi Phifer, Bill Pullman, Lauren Ambrose, Ernie Hudson, C. Thomas Howell and John de Lancie join the cast. As if that weren’t enough, the show is on pay cable now—so the cast can actually get naked for a change!
“Dino Gangs” (Discovery 6 p.m.) Like dinosaurs weren’t scary enough. Now they ran around in gangs?
“Celebrity Ghost Hunt” (BIO 9 p.m.) If so-called “professional” ghosthunters can’t find sufficient evidence of life after death, why not send so-called “celebrity” ghosthunters like Eric Roberts and Christopher Atkins?
“Secrets of SEAL Team Six” (Discovery 6 p.m.) Don’t these fall into the “if we told you, we'd have to kill you” category?
“Famous Food” (VH1 8 p.m.) Heidi Montag, Real Housewife of New Jersey Danielle Staub, “The Bachelor” jerkwad Jake Pavelka, Eliot Spitzer’s hooker Ashley Dupré, Vincent Pastore from “The Sopranos” and two rappers from Three 6 Mafia open a restaurant together in VH1’s newest celebreality clusterfuck. I’ve got indigestion already.
“Tough Cookies” (Food 8 p.m.) Tired of reality shows about people who make cakes? Tired of reality shows about people who make cupcakes? Has Food Network got the solution for you: a reality show about people who make cookies!
“Man vs. Wild” (Discovery 7 p.m.) Manly man Bear Grylls starts his seventh season by camping out in the wilderness in a tent with actor Jake Gyllenhaal. Hmm. Something about this situation seems very familiar.
“Alphas” (Syfy 8 p.m.) Picking up where “Heroes” left off, Syfy tries to launch a successful superhero drama.
“Surprise Homecoming” (TLC 8 p.m.) Military men and women stationed overseas return home. TLC films it. It’s the perfect blend of easy sentiment and lazy concept.
“Gordon Ramsay’s Great Escape” (BBC America 8 p.m.) Tired of yelling at crappy chefs and second-rate restaurateurs, Chef Gordon Ramsay trades it all in for a travel show.
“The 2011 ESPYs” (ESPN 7 p.m.) Athletes finally get the recognition they deserve as EPSN and host Seth Myers hand out nifty gold statues. That, a multimillion-dollar contract, a major endorsement deal and a Kardashian sister are all a sports star could ask for.
“Roseanne’s Nuts” (Lifetime 7 p.m.) Roseanne Barr gets her own reality show. The only odd thing about that (seriously, what took so long?) is it’s about the 40-acre macadamia nut farm she owns in Hawaii.
“Legend Quest” (Syfy 8 p.m.) If a hundred or more “In Search of ...” rip-offs have been unable to locate legendary items like the Ark of the Covenant or the Holy Grail, what’s one more Syfy Channel show gonna come up with?