“Secret Access: UFOs on the Record” (History 6 p.m.) History Channel interviews former government and military officials on the subject of UFOs, allegedly providing the most credible proof ever for the existence of extraterrestrials—
“Rat Busters NYC” (Animal Planet 8 p.m.) Wanna watch some exterminators catch rats in New York? ... Me neither.
“Doctor Who” (BBC American 7 p.m.) The sixth (summer) season of “Doctor Who” launches with an episode called “Let’s Kill Hitler.” I think that more than makes up for the wait we had to endure.
Killer Mountain (Syfy 7 p.m.) Well, it’s big, but it can’t be very fast. Just run away from it.
William & Catherine: A Royal Romance (Hallmark 7 p.m.) A slapdash made-for-TV movie about the recently wedded royals? Where were you during our long gone, week-long fascination with these people?
“2011 MTV Video Music Awards” (MTV 10 p.m.) Why? Because we need more Lady Gaga on TV?
“Livin’ for the Apocalypse” (TLC 8 p.m.) This hour-long special profiles communities, cults and subcultures eagerly prepping for the end of the world. Sam’s Club appreciates your religious fanaticism and your willingness to buy gallon-sized cans of Van Camp’s pork ’n’ beans, folks.
“I Just Want My Pants Back” (MTV 12 a.m.) MTV adds this “youthful romantic dramedy” to the lineup. And now, three increasingly interesting facts: It’s about post-collegiate slackers in NYC; it’s based on some book by David J. Rosen; it’s produced and directed by Doug Liman (Mr. & Mrs. Smith, The Bourne Identity, Swingers).
“The Venture Bros.” (Cartoon Network 1 a.m.) CN’s Adult Swim block has pity on us jonesing fans and offers up this one-off cartoon special, a “Behind the Music”-style mockumentary about Hank Venture’s ill-fated jam band Shallow Gravy.
“Ridiculousness” (MTV 11 p.m.) Because it’s a catchier title than “Random Internet Viral Video Show No. 219.”
“Death Valley” (MTV 11:30 p.m.) Shot documentary-style, this gore-splattered sitcom is basically “Reno 911!”—but with vampires, zombies and other assorted monsters.
“Cuff’d” (MTV 12 p.m.) This docu-reality show—described as a cross between “COPS” and “Taxicab Confessions”—adds further information to the ongoing debate over which letter of the alphabet MTV hates more: E or G. (See for reference: “Punk’d,” “Trippin’,” “Buzzin’,” “Blowin’ Up.”)
“Cocaine: A History Between the Lines” (History 7 p.m.) History is so much more interesting when sex, drugs or murder is involved.
“Big Sexy” (TLC 8 p.m.) TLC proves that plus-size women have sex, party and enjoy successful careers by—what else?—giving them their own reality series.
“Quirky” (Sundance 11 p.m.) This new docu-reality show—man, I’m getting tired of typing those words—profiles a unique design and fabrication company that fast-tracks innovative inventions.
“Dark Matters: Twisted But True” (Science 8 p.m.) John Noble, the crazy mad scientist from FOX’s “Fringe,” hosts this show about bizarre, real-life science experiments.