“Bordertown: Laredo” (A&E 8 p.m.) A&E’s new docureality show follows the men and women of the Laredo Texas Police Department as they battle against Mexican drug smugglers and provide fuel for paranoid tea party xenophobes nationwide.
“Harvest” (History 8 p.m.) I’m not sure “industrial farm produce pickers” really ranks up there with “heavily armed border-town narcotics officers” in terms of prime-time excitement.
“Hairy Bikers” (History 8 p.m.) Paul is a classically trained French chef. Bill is a renowned motorcycle mechanic. Together, they travel the country on motorcycles, sampling regional cuisine like gator, bullfrog, wild boar and, of course, roadkill. Mm-mmm. Nothing says good eating like motorcycle exhaust and untamed body hair.
Stunt Rock (TCM 12 a.m.) You owe it to yourself to see this legendary Australian drive-in classic from 1980. Crap writer/director extraordinaire Brian Trenchard-Smith (Leprechaun 4: In Space, Tyrannosaurus Azteca, Megiddo: The Omega Code 2, Dead End Drive-In, Escape 2000, BMX Bandits) is responsible for this episodic story of a stuntman (actual Australian stuntman Grant Page) who moves to Los Angeles and lends his pyrotechnical expertise to a KISS-esque heavy metal band (actual hyper-theatrical L.A. band Sorcery).
“Welcome to Sweetie Pie’s” (OWN 7 p.m.) If Oprah wants to conquer all of television, she’s gonna have to do it with more innovative shows than “yet another restaurant-based docureality show.” Hey, Oprah, how about a badly scripted “reality” show about a towing company? Now that’s cutting-edge cable TV.
“Puppies vs. Babies” (Animal Planet 8 p.m.) Sadly, not a hypothetical battle-to-the-death showdown à la Spike TV’s “Deadliest Warrior.” Rather, a saccharin-dredged collection of cute Internet clips.
“The Walking Dead” (AMC 7 p.m.) The second season of AMC’s zombie-riffic drama begins with Rick and the gang finally getting he hell out of Dodge. I mean Atlanta.
“Talking Dead” (AMC 10 p.m.) AMC tries (unwisely, I’m gonna say) to create a “Watch What Happens Live”-esque post-show chat fest for “The Walking Dead.”
“Bachelorette Party: Las Vegas” (Oxygen 11 p.m.) What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas ... unless you’ve got a reality show camera crew following you around recording your every drunken move.
“Man Up!” (KOAT-7 7:30 p.m.) For ABC’s newest sitcom, three dudes in various stages of romantic entanglement struggle to figure out what it means to be a man in today’s modern world. Translation: Lots of jokes about “manscaping” and “metrosexuals.”
“Scream Awards 2011” (Spike 7 p.m.) When will the Oscars add a Most Memorable Mutilation award? This year’s favorite: the immortal “penis bitten off, then vomited up by piranha” scene from Piranha 3D.
“American Hoggers” (A&E 8 p.m.) Apparently hog hunting is the new hot subject for reality shows. ... Hope you’re paying attention, Oprah.