The Olympics are designed to instill in participants—and by extension, viewers—the principles of cooperation, team spirit, individual merit, sportsmanship, strength, bravery, tenacity, skill and international brotherhood. Most of what I absorbed from watching this year’s competition, however, involved the number of free condoms issued in Olympic Village (150,000!) and the mistaken belief that eating mass quantities of McDonald’s food will make you a great athlete. So, with the games coming to a close this weekend, I look back on all the things I learned from the XXX Summer Olympics.
1) Beach volleyball with no bikinis is just lousy old volleyball.
2) Thanks to The Hunger Games, The Avengers and Brave, archery is totes hot!
3) Turns out, water polo offers your best opportunity to see a nip slip during the games.
4) All commercials aired at any time on any network during the entire Olympics run must be Olympic-themed.
5) Swimmer Ryan Lochte prefers “one night stands.” TMI, Ryan Lochte’s mom, TMI.
6) Apparently, you can cheat at badminton.
7) Neo-Nazis love rowing.
8) Googling “Olympic diver faces” is an awesome thing to do. (“Olympic diver toilet” is even better.)
9) Pacific island nations have the most awesome costumes at the opening ceremonies. Hands down.
10) Trampolining is a sport. (Still not sure I believe this one.)