“Elementary” (KRQE-13 9 p.m.) BBC and PBS scored a major hit with their modern update of Sherlock Holmes. And since the character is in public domain, CBS jumps all over that gold mine, offering up its own contempo take on Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s detective. Jonny Lee Miller (Trainspotting) stars as Holmes, while Lucy Liu (Charlie’s Angels) does the Watson thing.
“Paranormal Paparazzi” (Travel 5 p.m.) I know what you’re thinking: We’ve had dozens and dozens of these stupid paranormal investigation shows and none of them have come up with the slightest proof of aliens, Bigfoot, chupacabras or the Loch Ness Monster. But I’m confident this one will totally nail it.
“Made in Jersey” (KRQE-13 8 p.m.) Generic lawyer drama + “Jersey Shore” = this thing.
“Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” (Nickelodeon 4 p.m.) Yup, it’s another new version of the “TMNT” cartoon. Jason Biggs from American Pie and Sean Astin from The Lord of the Rings movies provide voices.
Lake Placid: The Final Chapter (Syfy 7 p.m.) Oh, no. I’m not buying it. I saw 1984’s Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter. That fucking crocodile is coming back whether we like it or not.
“Call the Midwife” (KNME-5 7 p.m.) Midwifery in London’s East End, circa 1950. Like “Mad Men.” With an accent. And afterbirth.
“Tattoo Rescue” (Spike 8 p.m.) You know those shows in which some loudmouthed “expert” comes in and tells idiots how to run their failing restaurant or hotel or beauty shop. Here’s one with tattoo parlors.
“666 Park Avenue” (KOAT-7 9 p.m.) The devil’s your landlord, but at least it’s rent controlled.
“Destination Fear” (Travel 9 p.m.) Eh, it’s almost October. Best to start the Halloween programming early. Here, Travel Channel takes us to various cemeteries, haunted houses and other creepy U.S. locations.
“The iHeartRadio Music Festival” (KWBQ-19 7 p.m.) Bon Jovi, Taylor Swift, Aerosmith, Rihanna, No Doubt, Lil’ Wayne, Miranda Lambert, Enrique Iglesias and Green Day sing at the behest of their corporate overlords. ... On a side note, the undercapitalized “i” has officially replaced the inappropriate “z” of the ’90s (Boyz in tha Hood) and the overcapitalized “X” of the ’00s (Xbox) to become the ubiquitous letter of the ’10s.
“How Playboy Changed the World” (History 7 p.m.) Well, that got my attention. I’m listening.
“WWE Main Event” (Ion 6 p.m.) If you’ve been of the opinion that “WWE Raw,” “WWE SmackDown!,” “WWE Superstars,” “WWE NXT,” “WWW Tough Enough,” “WWE Presents,” “WWE Night of Champions” and “WWE Saturday Morning Slam” just haven’t been providing you with enough WWE action, here’s some more.
“First Presidential Debate” (KASA-