Alibi V.23 No.52 • Dec 25-31, 2014 

Idiot Box

10 ... 9 ... Oh, You Know the Routine

New Year’s Eve around the dial

“Pitbull’s New Year’s Revolution”

Unlike other holidays where television is the last refuge for the terminally lonely and those who want to escape from their relatives, New Year’s Eve actually thrives on it. Nobody’s watch is synchronized, so you pretty much have to turn on the TV and use the ball drop in Times Square as your official countdown clock. But which New Year’s Eve special should you tune in on? Let’s look at your choices.

If you’re in the teen/tween category, you can down your Capri Suns and watch “TeenNick Top 10 NYE Special” (Nickelodeon 9pm to 10pm). Former Mr. Mariah Carey Nick Cannon (who will not get the hell off my TV) reveals his top music picks of the year including Shawn Mendes, Jake Miller, Kalin and Myles and 4Count. If you’re over the age of 13, I’m guessing you have no idea who those people are.

If you’re in your late teens/early 20s and are not at some obnoxious club waiting for the free champagne toast for some reason, then “Pitbull’s New Year’s Revolution” (KASA-2 7pm to 9pm) is probably the show for you. The bald rapper is broadcasting straight out of Miami. Enrique Iglesias, Fall Out Boy, Fifth Harmony, The Band Perry and Becky G are among the musical guests.

If you’re in the mid 20s to early 30s demographic, “Dick Clark’s Primetime New Year’s Rockin’ Eve with Ryan Seacrest” (KOAT-7 7pm to 9pm and 10:30 to 12:09am) has the most current chart toppers. Taylor Swift headlines. Elton John, Nick Jonas, Iggy Azalea, Charli XCX, Jason Derulo, One Direction and Pentatonix fill out some of the remaining slots. This one wins the “2014 in a Nutshell” award for booking Meghan Trainor to sing her ubiquitous hit “All About That Bass”—probably for the last time.

Older hipsters in their mid 30s to early 40s are probably best-suited to “NBC’s New Year’s Eve With Carson Daly 2014” (KOB-4 9pm to 10pm and 11:30pm to 12:30am). Tony Bennett will be dueting it up with Lady Gaga. Seth MacFarlane will be crooning as he does occasionally. Blake Shelton, Gwen Stefani and Pharrell Williams round out the familiar lineup.

Middle-aged non-hipsters can glue themselves to “New Year’s Eve Live with Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin” (CNN 7pm to 10:30pm and 11:05pm to 2:35am). For the eight year, Cooper and Griffin will be hanging out in Manhattan sharing vulgar stories and trading gossip. Occasionally, they’ll throw to some CNN correspondent in some other part of the world to see what New Year’s Eve looks like in Moscow or Beijing or something.

On the exact opposite end of the spectrum (no homosexuals, no Hollywood liberals and certainly no positive acknowledgment of foreign countries) is FOX’ “All-American New Year’s Eve” (Fox News Channel 7pm to 10:30pm). Kimberly Guilfoyle, Bob Beckel, Lisa Kennedy Montgomery, Anna Kooiman and party boy Rick Leventhal will be on duty giving you the conservative republican perspective on this godless holiday of drunken revelry. Last year’s broadcast included a special guest appearance by the folks from “Duck Dynasty.” So, fingers crossed!

Older viewers will be content with “A Toast to 2014!” (KOB-4 7pm to 9pm), in which Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb host a “celebrity-filled look back” at 2014. Guests include Sherri Shepherd, William Shatner, Fleetwood Mac, Kris Jenner, Ian Ziering, Katherine Heigl and Billy Bush.

But if you’re of grandparent age, you’re going to want to spend the night watching CBS. The retirement home-friendly network is showing reruns of “Blue Bloods” and “Criminal Minds” and then calling it a night.