Alibi V.13 No.16 • April 15-21, 2004 

Week in Sloth

Thursday 15

“The Apprentice” (KOB-4 7 p.m.) Please, somebody tell me that Omarosa is actually Ashton Kutcher in a mask. I mean, this woman can't possibly be for real, can she? Surely she's a plant designed to punk out the other contestants. Surely no human being could be as annoying whiney and disruptive.

I think Kwame should lose the apprenticeship to Bill for not booting her out the door the minute The Donald introduced her back into the game. Well, we'll see on tonight's live, two-hour finale.

Friday 16

“Dateline NBC” (KOB-4 7 p.m.) In this world of international strife, war, religious conflict, political intrigue and judicial malfeasance, what weighty news topic do you suppose will be tackled on tonight's special, two-hour edition of “Dateline”? Why, last night's season finale of “The Apprentice” of course. I mean, you can't get any more newsworthy than that.

Saturday 17

Bionicle: The Mask of Light (Cartoon Network 9 p.m.) When I was a kid, Legos were little plastic bricks you could stick together to make a car or a castle or something. Kids today have got Lego Bionicles, which are these skinny, Transformer-like robot guys with funny tropical masks. I guess they're supposed to beat each other up or something. In this computer-animated spin-off film, the spirit that protects the island nation of Mata Nui (and its six Wahi) has gone into a deep slumber, reawakening the evil spirit of Makuta. But, when a mysterious Kanohi mask is found, two unlikely Matoran must overcome such obstacles as the Rahkshi to find the previously unknown sixth Toa of Light, thereby defeating Makuta and the power of shadow. ... It looks pretty cool, but I'll be damned if I have the slightest clue what's going on here.

Sunday 18

Spartacus (USA 6 p.m.) In this splashy TV miniseries, dreamy Goran Visnjic from “ER” stars as the legendary Roman slave-turned-gladiator who led a revolt way back in 72 B.C. Stanley Kubrick shot this story once before back in 1960, with dreamy Kirk Douglas in the lead role. I don't think USA network is exactly going to trump that Academy Award winner, but for those in the mood for a little sword-and-sandal action, this two-nighter ought to give you your recommended daily allowance of guys in short skirts.

Monday 19

“Family Plots” (A&E 7 p.m.) TV's newest reality series takes us behind the scenes at a real-life Southern California funeral home. Three beautiful sisters, a hot-blooded father, a quirky funeral director and a stream of anguished patrons make up the cast of what is sure to be A&E's latest curiosity piece.

Tuesday 20

“The Real Spartacus” (History 9 p.m.) I'm sure you checked out the Spartacus miniseries over on USA and have spent the better part of this week wondering, “What was the deal with that rebellious Thracian gladiator? Was he a budding force for the democratization of ancient Rome? Or was he just a pawn for senators Gracchus and Crassus?” This historical look may just settle the argument.

Wednesday 21

“TV Land Moguls” (TV Land 7 p.m.) TV Land's new documentary series takes us back in time, introducing us to the TV greats who made TV great. This first episode covers the '50s, profiling such pioneers as Danny Thomas, Lucille Ball, Carl Reiner, Andy Griffith and others.