Alibi V.13 No.6 • Feb 5-11, 2004 

Eating In

The World's Easiest Breakfast Burrito

The morning-after's ultimate parting gift: a hearty breakfast

You roll over on Sunday morning and look at the clock glowing 7:45. Your head hurts, you roll the other direction and see her. Suddenly it all comes back to you: playing pool, drinking beer, the cute girl, late-night whiskey shots, bringing her back to your house. And she's still in your bed!

You could cower under the blankets contemplating your drinking habits or whether she's girlfriend material despite her slutty tendencies. But why? Time's a wastin'. The game starts in two hours. Whether or not you like this girl is irrelevant. You started this pajama party, and it's up to you to finish it. You're making her breakfast, and she's going to be totally impressed. Then, if you don't want to ever call her again, at least you can do so knowing you sent her off with a full belly.

A good breakfast after drunken sex is like a happy ending to a massage—it's a pleasant surprise when it happens and leaves a lasting impression. And if you do like this girl, it's an imperative bridge to post-breakfast, before-she-leaves-the-house sex. And it's simpler than you might think.

My personal fav, and the one I'm going to share with you here, is the standard breakfast burrito. A true playah will plan ahead and have necessary ingredients in the house before the weekend gets underway (call it cautious optimism). Go to the grocery store on Thursday and buy milk, eggs, cheese, green chiles, tortillas and either bacon or sausage. If you're a true Rico Suave, you'll buy orange juice and champagne so she can sip on a mimosa while you work your magic in the kitchen.

Super-duper Easy Breakfast Burrito

The best breakfast burritos are simple—eggs, cheese, chiles and bacon or sausage, all wrapped in a warm tortilla. You flavor the eggs and scramble ’em in the grease leftover from the sausage you fried. Mmmm, what could be better, or easier? You may be too groggy to think so let's break it down.
Serves 2 hungry, dirty birds


1/4 pound bacon or sausage

3 eggs


Roasted, chopped green chile

1/4 pound cheddar cheese, grated


1) In a large frying pan, cook up the bacon or sausage.

2) Meanwhile, crack the eggs into a bowl. Add a splash of milk. Add whatever seasonings sound good to your hangover-addled tummy. Garlic salt, onion powder, crushed red peppers and thyme are all good.

3) Add chile to the eggs and beat lightly with a fork.

4) Transfer the cooked bacon or sausage from the pan to a paper towel-lined plate. Pour off all but a couple tablespoons of the grease. Turn the burner on low and let the pan cool off a little before you add the eggs.

5) Pour the egg mixture into the greasy meat pan and cook on low. Use a wooden spoon to scramble the eggs.

6) While the eggs are cooking (stir frequently, don't let them burn), turn your oven on to 350° F. Throw a couple tortillas in for just a few minutes to warm them up.

7) Pull the tortillas out of the oven and put them on plates. Divvy up the eggs, then pile on the cheese and sausage or bacon. Hand the plate to her and let her wrap the burrito up herself.