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Coco Loco

Today in People Who Are Kind Of Famous Just Because

Conan O’Brien, who used to make fun of Twitter on his seven-month “Tonight Show” stint, recently joined the online pointlessness to much fanfare. As of this writing, Conan’s page has over 600,000 followers, accumulated in just under two weeks (his tagline for the page is “I had a show. Then I had a different show. Now I have a Twitter account”).

Until Friday, Conan himself followed no one (a metaphor? Yes!). That’s when he decided to choose someone at random and follow her. She is a 19-year-old named Sarah Killen, and all of the sudden she’s kind of famous. In just a few days, she’s received tons of loot for her upcoming wedding and I think an iMac.

Seems like a nice kid, but two things: why is a 19-year-old getting married? And she doesn’t seem to be aware that Conan no longer has a show.

Also, this is my favorite of O’Brien’s dozen or so tweets: I just had the fries at the McDonald's in Culver City near the Lady Foot Locker. SO AWESOME. If you can get there, ORDER THOSE FRIES.

Go to This

Artiquerque Crafters Craft Carnival

From the event title (Artiquerque Crafters Craft Carnival), three things are guaranteed: artsyness, craftiness and carnies. Only two of those, however, have an 80% chance of giving you a communicable disease.

Who cares? Grab your penicillin and head over to Studio Broadway (1810 Broadway SE) tomorrow (Saturday) from 10 a.m. to 8 p.m. Oh-so-many vendors will display a world of wares until 5 p.m., and the afterparty (with music and maybe some sort of carnie feats of strength) will go from 5 to 8 p.m. This is a thing you will like! Kids distractions will be there, too! And so will I, playing a game called Is This a Corn Dog? (Or just buying some legwarmers, but whatever.)

“What do you mean you’re out of butterscotch candies? That’s bullshit!”

Draft Grandma!

If you’ve ridden the red-hot highway that is the Internet (vroom) in the past few weeks, you’ve seen the army amassing its troops. It’s not the U.S. Army, or the French (snicker); it’s the movement to get “Saturday Night Live” to have Betty White host. The Facebook page that started it currently has over 450,000 fans.

Reports have it that SNL is considering this, but would have her appear as part of a “Women of Comedy” night, including, rumors say, maybe Molly Shannon, Amy Poehler and Tina Fey.

Aw, isn’t that nice of them? To give ladies a chance to be funny? You know, men aren’t half-bad. Forget that the two most recent stars to hit it big post-SNL are women (Amy and Tina, holla!) and that it’s most popular current performer is Kristen Wiig.

But I can deal with that. Comedy is a notoriously rough business for women, as evidenced by my male peers’ reception to my 2008 comedy tour entitled “Why Won’t You Have a Baby With Me, Boy Is Anyone Else’s Bra Killing Them?”. Their responses? Jokes about masturbating!

What DOES irk me is the ageism of it. So, maybe 88-year-old White, goddess of screens large and small, might not be able to carry a 90-minute show. But consider some of the people that SNL has determined are totally capable of hosting duties: Megan Fox, any athlete, Stevan Seagal, M.C. Hammer, Paris Hilton, the Olsen twins and Ron Nessen (press secretary for President Gerald Ford).

And what does Betty White have? Only six Emmys and generations of fans.

Instead of pairing her with younger women, how bout SNL gives older women their due? Here is my proposed cast for Old Broads of Comedy, in addition to White:

Phyllis Diller. 92. Stand-up pioneer. Cartoon version was on “Scooby-Doo.” Fucking fabulous.

Carol Burnett. 76. Mentored by Lucille Ball. Had uber-successful variety show “The Carol Burnett Show.”

Teri Garr. 65. That’s not really old, except in Hollywood, which is a creepy place anyway. Uttered the timeless phrase “Roll, roll, roll in ze hay.” Pretty hilarious as an actual, real person.

I realize not all of these ladies might be able to run through skits and crap, but I’d wager an hour and a half of these four sitting around, talking shit and waxing sassy, would be better than 99.8% of SNL episodes. I think I just created a new show. I’ll call it “Platinum Ladies.”

A moderately funky chicken

Go! Stuff!

I wish there were more opportunities for me, at 34 years old, to be a cheerleader. I know lots of classics, such as this ditty:

How funky is your chicken?

How funky is your chicken?

How loose is your goose?

Our goose is totally loose.

So c’mon all you Eagles fans,

c’mon all you Eagles fans

and shake your caboose.

And shake your caboose.

I also love the one about the hole in the barn wall, though it’s not appropriate for every occasion.

The pairs toss, where the man lifts the woman up by her posterior and throws her, had not been invented yet, as women’s butts did not exist until the passage of the 19th amendment in 1920.

Pairs Figure Skating: Uncomfortable to Watch

Last night, I heated up some leftovers, poured a glass of white wine and watched Olympic Pair Figure Skating, thus making me fulfill a life-long dream of becoming the woman in a Calgon or Yoplait commercial.

I don’t have any particular feelings for or against figure skating. I know some people get upset and like to hate it, which just seems like a waste of energy and, you know, brains. It’s perfectly lovely and, I would imagine, incredibly difficult, requiring great athleticism. And sequins.

I’ve seen some great figure skating in my lazy TV watching career. It can be quite dramatic; when I get too invested, my butt jumps up each time the skaters leap. I have to concentrate and make myself not move, which results in cramping. Anywho, what I’m saying is that I’ve seen enough skating to know that last night’s performances by almost everyone in the world sucked, as my friend D. likes to say, a bag of dicks.

There was falling, falling, sliding and crashing. It was like watching college freshmen after a kegger on, well, ice. Baaaaaad. Except for the Chinese, who killed. I can imagine they would, since one of the backstories of the gold medalists was that they were married but had to live in seperate dormatories. Also, they were taken from their families as children to train. So, yaaaaay Olympics!

Watch a montage of the falls here, via Gawker.

Me. Soon.

Hey, Hurry Up and Have a Baby, Vol. 32

Today’s evidence of the universe pressuring this almost-34-year-old lady to have babies: they will have autism if I don’t.

A study from a team at the University of California-Davis shows that older women are at greater risk of having children who will be autistic. Which isn’t to say, “Ick. Autistic people. So gross.” No way. Don’t say I said that.

But, I mean, c’mon.

This is simply further evidence that, when it comes to my life choices, science needs to shut the crap up.

Is it an acronym? Devil as Texan?

Who Dat Huh?

Commoners of America: What does “Who Dat?” mean? Who asks it? Is it a genuine question being asked of me, or is its rhetorical purpose to underscore and emphasize something? Why is this emblazoned everywhere, such as on the shirt of the Best Buy employee who assisted me in last night’s purchase of a washer and dryer? I just don’t have an answer prepared if someone asks me, and I hate to be caught unawares.

Meow. L’chaim!

Random Celebrities I’ve Had Inexplicable Crushes On

I am not proud of it, nor can I explain it, but sometimes I develop an “interest” in a celebrity that no one else I know finds attractive or even has heard of. It’s not a “let’s do it to me, baby”-type deal, but more of a “why am I thinking about this person and interested in that really terrible movie he’s in, and now I’m watching this movie even though Sally Kirkland is in it, and that’s rarely a good sign” thing. These are some past examples.

1. Mandy Patinkin. Not Princess Bride Mandy Patinkin, either. Yentl Patinkin. Also Impromptu Patinkin.

2. Stephen Dorff. This one I really can’t figure out. The guy seems like a chode. And he’s short. All I can think of is that he played Stu Sutcliffe in Backbeat, about the early days of the Beatles. So in the mid-’90s, I kept watching crap this guy was in, which was terrible. Also, the guy who played John Lennon was the brother of a gal who was dating my friend from Israel.

3. Sam Waterston. So good in The Man in the Moon, Reese Witherspoon’s first movie. He’s just so lean and wise!

Weird or embarassing crushes, people of the Internet?

Come to Mommy

What’s the Best Beer Ever Made That I Can Afford?

Sorting through my bags of fan mail, one thing’s become clear: You’re all very invested in how my move to the Heights is going. Swimmingly, thank you public. Lots of painting, and then wrapping up packing, then painting.

Which means beer.

Husband was kind enough to grab a 12-pack of black label Session beer, which is made by Full Sail. It is so-so tasting and almost always on sale. Now, since I didn’t buy it, it’s free, which makes it awesome. But, I’m bored of it. I want more hoppy deliciousness. Or lager-y. Or malty. Whatever. What is the best beer ever made? $18-a-pint ales made from the tears of Russian orphans, while always a favorite, do not count. Under $10 a six-pack, Internet contributors.

The Best News Story About Val Kilmer Ever

Kilmer explains to NM Congressman about the sheer kickassness that is 50 Cent

You probably know by now from our amazing live coverage, but the New Mexico legislature is in session. That can only mean one thing: Val Kilmer’s done shined up his good bolo tie and is pressing flesh to get things done. Part of his agenda, apparently, includes explaining to Rep. Luciano Varela (D-Santa Fe) why the rapper 50 Cent is so great.

I found this on Best Week Ever, and they got the video from ThisIs50. Thanks, Val, for keeping our state at the forefront of most awesomest news!