Self-defense shootings ("justifiable homicides") almost doubled in ABQ last year. A staggering 8! I recommend locking your doors and being distrustful of anyone outside of your immediate family.

Some dummies go to trial after breaking off King Tut's beard and trying to glue it back on.

Author Eric Weiner (no relation) says if you want to make a genius, you need a city with lots of bars and coffee houses, but not too many parents. Oh. And earth-shattering catastrophes help, too.

Weather Warning: X-Files premieres tonight after more than a decade. Nerds prepare for loss of control over all bodily functions. Wear galoshes.

Roller skating is a thing in ABQ once more. It's good to know that junior-high kids will have a place to make out.

There's one thing that keeps me up at night, nursing my regret: I've never been to a Donald Trump rally on acid. Thank you, internet.

Psychiatrists at Columbia University suggest that schizophrenia can be diagnosed earlier by listening to a patient's use of language.

Authorities scramble to rescue two separate groups of lost hikers in the Sandias. Our thoughts go with them.

Suspected drunk driver kills three over the weekend, says “sorry” before being taken into custody.

Hollow chambers discovered in King Tut's tomb could lead to the discovery of Queen Nefertiti.

Mother and son go missing after finding a 25-pound gold bar in the house.

How do the 2016 presidential candidates plan on eradicating death? Well, at least this candidate has a plan for that.

Don't shoplift, unless you can change your face.

Ted Cruz and I have one thing in common: we both love The Princess Bride.

Never mention a woman's weight, unless you want to get hit upside the head. That's exactly what happened to one guy, after commenting on a stripper's weight at a South Carolina strip club.

Adam Sandler gives the Chanukah Song an update.

Highly regarded lowbrow artist The Pizz died.

The Atari games unearthed in Alamogordo and sold online have brought in a tidy sum of money for the city.

Secretary of State Dianna Duran is facing allegations she violated campaign finance laws by transferring money between personal bank accounts and campaign fund accounts, among other questionable actions.

Former Deputy Superintendent of APS Jason Martinez bonded out of a Colorado jail.

Was a Rio Rancho Middle School teacher intoxicated in the classroom?

The Pope will allow women who have had abortions to be forgiven.

Here's a look at the controversial new American history textbooks.

Guinea man hid behind a Mercedes car motor in an attempt to sneak across the Spanish border.

King Tut had a boner.

A Russian statue found in a peat bog is older than previously thought, making the wooden icon the oldest wooden artifact in the world—older than the Pyramids.

Maksim Gelman: stabber.

William Pitel: stabber.

Who could have taken the King Tut Statue? Who? Who?

Arcade Fire won Album of the Year at the Grammy Awards.

Don’t eat the yogurt at the Playboy Mansion.

They are selling eight Beyblades to replace a destroyed bathtub.

Uh, oh. There’s a Siberian wolf problem.

Tiger Woods is in trouble for spitting.

Creed shreds.

Energy drinks can be tasty kid killers.

A New Mexican artist hits the big boing time.

The seven nerdiest sex toys.

Perhaps a catchy rap song could teach you to solve a Rubik’s Cube.

Bigfoot loves Zagunut Bars. Really? It sounds like an elaborate lie, but who am I to say.

Metro Court is ready for over 100 Valentine’s Day weddings (no same-sex, though).

Al Sharpton says essentially nothing about Susana Martinez.

There’s a bill to create a $100 fine for feeding pigeons.

Cedric Lara: evil mailman.

Happy birthday to my Valentine, Florence Henderson, hopped up on goofballs, dripping with gross.