V.25 No.45 | 11/10/2016

Weird Wonders

Taming of the Ostrich

A few years ago I was walking around my neighborhood, minding my own business. Two men whom I had never seen before approached me, speaking a strange language.

“Who are they? What do they want? Are they a threat?” I wondered silently and watched them from the corner of my eye.

The one closer to me held a stick by his face and it began to make noise. I was in shock.

“What is this? Witchcraft?” I reeled. Then it became pleasant. I lost myself in the whistling. I began to dance in a way I never had before. I was mystified. It was like my consciousness had been taken over by a higher power.

I regained my footing and left as the man nearest to me shouted something in a pleasant tone.

I will never forget that day.

V.25 No.15 | 04/14/2016

Dream Blog #358

I am not in time. I'm standing, swaying slowly back and forth. I don't have clothes on but I'm not bare, I'm still covered. My hair is long and a soft green. It moves in the wind. A goat skull hangs from my body on a string and sways with me.

I hear a knock. I wake up.

V.25 No.10 | 03/10/2016

How to Fix a Problem

Because you obviously can't fix your problems on your own

Step 1: Identify the problem.
Substep A: Is that really the problem? If so, why is it a problem?
Step 2: Begin addressing the problem.
Substep B: Identify the part that is actually a problem.
Sub-substep a: Where/when does the issue begin?
Substep C: Realize that this will take time. Nothing is fixed overnight except sleepiness (Unless you have insomnia, then that sucks for you, bro.).
Step 3: Work on fixing the problem. If you can do anything about it, break it down into manageable parts.
Substep D: Where does the problem begin? With yourself? Or an exterior thing?
Substep E: If it's an exterior thing, does it really need to be changed? Can you actually change it?
Step 4: Is it solved?
Substep F: If yes, then continue to work on it, or at least keep an eye on it. Things regress easily, so you have to stay on top of it. Over time, it gets easier—depending on the problem.
Substep G: If no, begin this process again.
Step 5: If the problem still isn't fixed, it isn't where you think it is. Think critically or ask an outside source that has no connection to your problem (i.e. Me because I don't give a shit about your issues, mostly.)
Substep H: Begin the process again.
Step 6: Have a glass of water because you've been working really hard and you should rest for a bit.
Step 7: Congratulate yourself on what a great job you've done and are still doing. Even if you slip up, it's totally fine. Just stay on it, you'll be a-okay.

Make sense? Didn't think so. I'll give you a too real, personal experience and add where I applied each step as I saw it (which will probably be different for everyone, so don't be a dick and criticize me) over the years. That's right, years. Keep an eye out, though, the steps aren't always in order because life isn't in order, son! It's wacky and awful and fantastic, so hold onto your panties (that's the saying, right?), this is gonna be a weird and kinda sad ride.

So I kept trying to make plans with my childhood friend and she wasn't ever responding in a helpful way. What I mean is, she would occasionally hang out with me but never consistently and she also wouldn't respond to me whenever I wanted to talk to her. (Step 1) Like she wouldn't pick up the phone or respond to my texts or IMs. (Substep A) I got problems that I need to talk out with my femmey friends! Not to mention we've been friends forever. And she was ignoring me? No bueno.

(Step 2) So I asked her what was up! Why was she ignoring me? I mean, I knew she was involved with her boyfriend's life, but whatever happened to staying loyal to your friends, too? You know? She told me it was nothing personal, she was just busy with school. She was so close to graduating and getting her thesis done, she had no time to hang with anyone.

Alright... So I waited. And waited. And waited.

(Substep B) After graduation, we hung out for a little bit until she got “busy” again. (Sub-substep a) She had recently broken up with her long-time, super-shitty boyfriend and now was dating someone new (who is really cool and nice and sweet AF). This isn't new with her, she always would do that when she started dating someone new. And don't we all? It's just, personally, I think usually most of us move past that phase of just wanting to be around our partner. Like they're cool but also friends before Bens/Jens (not all my friends are straight so I had to come up with a more inclusive rhyme).

(Substep C) So I waited again. And waited. And waited. And waited.

Now it was the end of summer and a lot of our mutual, childhood friends were leaving town within a month or two. (Step 3) All of us began inviting her out a lot, and she kept reminding us that she doesn't like to go out to bars and stuff because (Substep E) that's the “single life” which isn't true but whatever. (Substep D) So we would invite her to other stuff, like just hanging out at home or go on walks or something and (Step 4) still, (basically) nada. She wasn't even there for their goodbye parties. It was really heartbreaking for me. I had to unfollow her on all social media platforms because I just couldn't deal with the idea of her not loving us, or me, how she used to.

So we all had been through this process for years. We got to Substep G and Substep H so many times so I'm just gunna move on to the last (missing) step.

So recently, another friend and I were talking about this and he said that (Step 5) she had new friends. They're interested in what she's interested in and they live basically the same lifestyle as she does and have the same ideas about life as she does. I can't be mad at that, you know? That's what happens as you get older. We're all just looking for a like-minded clan. I mean, I think we'll always be friends, but never how we used to be. That's fine, too. Now I have room for new people in my life who are more similar to me and challenge me in different and new ways and are fun in the way that I need people to be fun.

V.19 No.12 | 3/25/2010


Pizza Squares Again?

Remember school lunches? Yeah, the thought still curdles my stomach. But surely, in these food-enlightened times, they’ve gotten a lot better. ... Apparently not. Check out Fed Up With School Lunch. It’s a daily blog set up by an anonymous elementary school teacher. She’s made a pledge to eat lunch every weekday for an entire year in her school’s cafeteria. So far, the data she’s collected is not encouraging. She’s no nutritionist or anything, but it doesn’t take much training to evaluate the lame lunches to which she’s subjected herself. To help break up the monotony, guest columnists occasionally contribute school food info from around the world. (Check out the awesome lunches kids in Japan get!) Definitely food for thought.