V.18 No.51 | 12/17/2009

FlashQuiz: Kashrut Foods, Gesundheit

It’s Hannukah. My parents invited the children up to their place last night to celebrate with a glazed ham. We’re those kinds of Jews. That is to say, we’re the Albuquerque sort of Jewish, which is much like the Albuquerque sort of Catholic—we love the gift-giving holidays and the food and the iconography, but we really can’t deal with the actual religion part. Also, we’re half-Catholic.

Pork is treif, off-limits to the chosen sons of Abraham. This is also proof that God has a terrific sense of humor, since He gave everyone I’ve met in His minions an unrequited love for bacon.

For Hannukah, since I have some making up to do, I give to you “In the business of making traif: My year in a pork rind factory” on JWeekly.com. I also give you Jews4Bacon.com, a store that peddles merchandise emblazoned with the baconated Star of David (or “Star of Bacon”) below:

Deuteronomy may have been right about a few things. It’s true, we shouldn’t have eaten pelicans, and we still shouldn’t. But bacon is delicious, and pigs are a lot cleaner than you think. Chickens and cows are dirty at least. And we’re allowed to eat stuffed derma? Derma? Who made these rules anyway? I don’t think they’ll make anything delicious out of pelicans, but c’mon. Bacon? Show your support for bacon and its deliciousness and buy some of our great and ever-expanding line of merchandise. JEWS FOR BACON—because they didn’t have bacon back then.

And finally, I give you a picture quiz that identifies some of the animals that are verboten to snack on in Judaism. I like how when you pick the wrong answer, it tells you “No! Bear meat is not kosher!” Just like grandma used to.

V.18 No.47 | 11/19/2009

FlashQuiz: You’re a Flag

Tuesday is like Friday for us Alibi folks. Tuesdays are when we “put the issue to bed” by sending the paper’s pages off to the printer. Night-night, volume 18, issue 47. See you tomorrow when you’re a full-grown paper.

And so, to thoroughly cleanse the taste of yesterday’s (actually tomorrow’s) news from my mouth, I’m rinsing vigorously with a Mental Floss quiz. The theme of this one is “Flags of the World (The Hard Ones).” Apparently, either Armenia or Kyrgyzstan has what appears to be a soccer ball on fire as its national flag ...

V.18 No.44 | 10/29/2009

FlashQuiz: Is It Haunted?

I just bought a house. A foreclosed one. With giant cobwebs, tumescent black widows hiding behind every cabinet door, and overturned Nordic Track machines strewn about the property.

It’s an awesome house, and it came at an awesome price. But I worry that it could be haunted. Not that the toilets are filling with blood or anthing—it’s just a concern I nurse for a while after moving into new environs. Because, you never really know for sure until you’ve lived somewhere for a while. Why not? Maybe it’s haunted.

Then again, the apartment I’ve been living in for the past five years seemed just fine, but the all-important first two questions of this this quiz are indicating that it’s actually haunted. Shows what I know.

1. Do you seem to lose important items only to have them reappear later in an area which you had already searched?

2. Do pets such as cats or dogs seem afraid to enter certain areas of the house?

V.18 No.40 | 10/1/2009

FlashQuiz: Maybe It’s an Ulcer

Gnawing, burning stomach pain. Nausea. No appetite. Crap-loads of stress.

... sounds like an ulcer, right?

V.18 No.38 | 9/17/2009

FlashQuiz: Your Accent

The way you talk says a lot about you. The American Accent quiz asks you some basic demographic information (age range, gender), then gets you to rate your perceptions of alike-sounding words. After 13 easy questions, it tells you where you’re from.

It got me right. What about you?

(Then again, you might have to do like Ajay in the photo did and hit up this website first.)

V.18 No.36 | 9/3/2009

FlashQuiz: Stress

I’m pretty easygoing. In fact, you’ll never see me break a sweat. (Unlike old Chicken Little, here ------>)

Whenever folks are stressing around me, it’s my job—as the de facto zenlike, unflappable person—turn to them and say, “Hey man, chill out,” or “Just RELAX!” or “Would you CALM DOWN?” That usually does it.

But if it doesn’t work and they didn’t hear me the first time, I calmly repeat myself, only louder, until they get up and leave the theater. Movies just stress some people out, you know? Just RELAX!

Here’s what NatGeo has to say on the subject, in quiz form.

V.18 No.35 | 8/27/2009
[Insert joke about Nick Brown here.]

FlashQuiz: You’re Fearing the Wrong Things

In a nut shell, Josh McHugh’s “What Should You Really Fear?” quiz (for Wired) tries to pull the juicy, media-marinated meat of sensationalism from the comparatively small and boring bones of fact. The way he tells it:

Fatally bad decision-making occurs when the gut—the subconscious mechanism of self-preservation that got us through the pre-CNN epochs—identifies a media-amplified image, story, or statistic as a clear and present danger. The resulting inchoate sense of foreboding causes us to grossly overestimate the danger of highly unlikely threats (West Nile virus, terrorist attacks, abduction, plane crashes, shark attacks) and underestimate far more serious, if mundane, threats (car accidents).

Peel back the boogeyman’s mask and look that dipshit in the eye. It’s not so scary.

V.18 No.34 | 8/20/2009

FlashQuiz: Les Paul, 94, Dies

OK, this is sort of a FlashQuiz/Death Announcement. Les Paul died today (complications from pneumonia ... so, old age). Read the NYT obit of the man who invented multitrack recording and the solid body electric guitar. Then wank on rock gear trivia with the Les Paul vs. Leo Fender Quiz.

V.18 No.31 | 7/30/2009

FlashQuiz: The Belief-O-Matic

The stated goal of this 20-question philosophy of religion quiz (much more fun than my dry-ass description sounds) is to list 26 popular faiths “in order of how much they have in common with your professed beliefs. The higher a faith appears on this list, the more closely it aligns with your thinking.”

Never in a million years would I have thought Scientology would crack my Top 10, but Belief-O-Matic tells a different story. Scary. Here’s how I scored:

1. Unitarian Universalism (100%)

2. Neo-Pagan (94%)

3. Mahayana Buddhism (93%)

4. Liberal Quakers (91%)

5. New Age (87%)

6. Secular Humanism (87%)

7. Theravada Buddhism (86%)

8. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (78%)

9. Taoism (75%)

10. Scientology (69%)

11. New Thought (67%)

12. Reform Judaism (63%)

13. Jainism (59%)

14. Orthodox Quaker (57%)

15. Hinduism (54%)

16. Sikhism (54%)

17. Nontheist (53%)

18. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (51%)

19. Baha'i Faith (44%)

20. Orthodox Judaism (32%)

21. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (26%)

22. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (26%)

23. Islam (24%)

24. Seventh Day Adventist (23%)

25. Eastern Orthodox (16%)

26. Roman Catholic (16%)

27. Jehovah's Witness (13%)

V.18 No.26 | 6/25/2009
Play Youtube Video

FlashQuiz: Elbow to Asshole

Listen, this isn't easy to say, but I'm sure you must have suspected it on some level. You're kind of ... you know ... becoming an asshole. Of course I'm prepared to accept that you don't believe me. That's why they came up with this quiz.

V.18 No.25 | 6/18/2009


FlashQuiz: The INS Test

Chances are at least one person in your family tree had to apply for citizenship to this country. How would you hold up in their shoes? Find out by taking a short, sample version of the Immigration And Naturalization Service test here. If you did all right, you won’t feel so smart when you look at all 100 laboriously patriotic questions (ditto for the answers) here.

V.18 No.23 | 6/4/2009

FlashQuiz: Bubble and Squeak

... In Brit-speak, that’s leftover veg and meat fried up with mashed potatoes. If you didn’t already know that, there’s no chance whatsoever you’ll be successful in answering the UK Guardian’s “Are You a British Foodie?” quiz. (You can always admit defeat and skip directly to “An American’s Guide to Speaking British: Food and Drink.”)

V.18 No.22 | 5/28/2009

FlashQuiz: Memorial Day

I know embarrassingly little about the holiday that’s causing everyone to fire up their barbecues or drive down to state lakes today. While the juice of cow flesh flows down your chin, take this historical quiz. You’ll probably do better than I did.

Or, watch New Mexico Department of Veterans’ Services Cabinet Secretary John M. Garcia talk about the meaning of Memorial Day and the dumb things Val Kilmer said about vets.

V.18 No.21 | 5/21/2009

FlashQuiz: The Shackles of Love

In honor of my impending wedding, here's an eye-opening (and austere-looking) true/false quiz on marriage statistics from the New York Times archives. In a nutshell, everything we thought we knew about it is wrong. I just hope my choice in mates fares better than I did on this quiz. (Love you honey bunny!)

V.18 No.18 | 4/30/2009
Just don’t call me Shirley.

FlashQuiz: Bookish Beginnings

Verily, I say, match these opening lines to the novels from whence they were ripp't.