Every native New Mexican knows about La Llorona: a scorned woman, betrayed by her baby-daddy goes mad and kills her children. The tale is told to dumb kids to keep them inside at night and away from arroyos, eternally.
I thought kids were taught about this in school until I talked to my friends about it. I asked a few people if this had been their experience, but it seems like I’m the only one. I’ll chalk it up to parallel universe issue (like the Berenstain/Berenstein thing), it’s definitely not that I’m white and both of my parents aren’t from New Mexico.
For those of you new-locals who didn’t grow up here, this is what went down. There’s a few different versions, so if anyone tells you this is wrong, hear them out. But okay, so this super foxy lady (Maria, @La_Llorona) gets married to this rich dude. And they’re really happy together! What! And then guess what? They have two kids! Wow! Happy marriage and kids? What could get better! Um, nothing (if you’re into that kinda thing).
Since it can only go downhill from there, the dude ends up cheating on her with a slew of women and starts drinking heavily. He turns into a real fuck boy, like, I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. And then this motherfucker gets with a younger woman who is richer than Maria. Wtf?? So Maria, being the trooper she is, moves forward with her life, whatever. She’s totally over it.
Well, one day she’s walking with her kids along a river and her POS Husband comes along in this (probably) dope ass carriage with his new lady. He stops and talks to the kids but get this: he completely ignores Maria. Rude. So eventually he leaves and she just snaps. Like how at Balloon Fiesta, when none of the food vendors have any vegetarian options after the balloons go up (I almost became a cannibal once, let’s not talk about it), you know what I mean? Anyway, so she drowns her kids. Drowns them! Drowns ‘em dead! And then after they’re dead they just float away down the river.
After she realized what she did she actually went insane. She just walked along the river crying till she died. She cried herself to death. Well, probably things like dehydration, starvation, lack of sleep were the actual reasons she died, but she would have taken care of those things if she wasn’t crying.
So her spirit continued in the afterlife looking for her innocent babies. No idea what her plan is after that, but I’ve never been in that situation before, so I can’t really talk. But neither can she. Because she’s dead. Unless you count her wailing, sobbing, and general calling out for her eternally lost kids.
So that’s it! Tragic, right? Moral of the story: Live like Big Sean when you’re near the river and you hear a yell, leave (i.e. I don’t fuck with you ft. E-40). Except actually, you should because it’s probably someone in danger.