Create a Love Bird profile today and get a free beer tonight at Alibi’s Cinco de Mayo Frito de Pie-o Fiesta. Just print out your profile, take it to the Blackbird tonight and hand it to an Alibi person. That’s what I’m going to do, and I’ll take that free beer, by gum!

1) Create a picture of a candy heart that says something dirty. I made mine say Ass Wipe and I’m going to send it to the Lady. Remember, though: it’s only a picture. It’s not real.

2) You can write an I Saw You ad on Love Bird and it will run in the Alibi next week. It’s free. If you read one that says something something Ass Wipe, that’s from me. It’s for you.

3) The oldest trick in the book: draw a picture.

4) Write a shitty poem about witches.

5) Make a tiny terrarium inside a lightbulb.

6) Two words: back rub.

7) Find some pretty rocks in the driveway.