Blame it on joblessness, blame it on the country going to shit, but whatever the case, one thing is true: People are getting very bored with themselves. This has resulted in several phenomena. Planking, leisure diving and Tebowing come to mind (to name a few). Now there's something else. I'm late to the game on this one (a coworker already beat me to the punch on this topic), but apparently people are cutting out the center of bread slices and putting it on cats' heads. Fucking for real. This probably violates several animal rights laws. Anyways, here's a breading website. Jesus.
“Breading” is the New “Planking”
Yup. Breading is the new planking. That is all.
Year in Review: News
Best and Worst of 2011
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times
Cannonballs of class
Leisure diving—the latest pointless activitiy making a big splash
There’s some oft-repeated saying I used to hear in art classes about how “all the good ideas have already been taken.” Apparently I’m not the only one who thinks this is a bunch of blowhard b.s. And the people are taking to the streets. But while they may be disproving the establishment, the results aren’t exactly Kafkaesque.
Take, for example, the trend of “leisure diving.” Following in the wake (no pun intended) of planking and parkour, this activity proves that people are susceptible to doing really dumb shit in order to get their picture on the interwebs.
But what is lesiure diving, you ask? According to leisuredive.com, it’s a “jump into a body of water (or at least something soft), striking a ‘leisure pose’ in mid-air. Ideally, a photographer captures the moment when the diver has reached peak height above water, when his or her hips are parallel to the waterline.”
It’s no parkour, but I’ll admit it takes the cake over planking—at least this thing involves elements like timing and physical exertion.
So what’s the next mindless human trend gonna be? I don’t know, but I’m starting to side with my art professor—eventually the reservoir will run dry.
And when that armageddon of idiocy occurs, my prediction is that the social media and performance-
Captain Edward England Merriweather’s Severely Abridged Planktionary
The Daily Word with an upcoming Anonymous attack, Ted Bundy's blood and a Chinese landlord scorpion attack
Anonymous is gearing up to attack Facebook this November.
The Congressional Supercommittee has been chosen.
North and South Korea exchange fire.
President Obama can't catch a break.
FBI agent discusses the West Mesa buried bodies case.
Missouri high school bans Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse-5.
America is not ready for President Rick Perry.
Recently discovered vial of Ted Bundy's blood may help uncover more murders.
The Onion is starting a paywall.
Probably not a good idea to heckle Aziz Ansari.
Chinese landlord releases thousands of scorpions to chase away his tenants.
Thomas the Imperialist Tank Engine.
Tim Heidicker (of Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!) saw a UFO.
Six things that were probably built by aliens.
The Daily Word where a dog bites Morrissey, Ron Paul Retires and there's Carmageddon in LA
Republicans gave away the debt ceiling fight.
The House fails to pass the Bulb Act.
Americans are having fewer children.
The Westboro Baptist Church chickens out of protesting Betty Ford's funeral.
Bronze letters stolen from buildings in Belen.
Recall elections begin in Wisconsin.
OUTRAGE after Michelle Obama eats a hamburger.
Ron Paul is retiring from Congress to focus on losing his presidential election.
Why the dollar store is a ripoff.
Bring your protractors to Pittsburgh.
The National League wins the All-Star Game.
Some dog hates Morrissey almost as much as I do.
L.A. is preparing for Carmageddon.
I've been a Netflix member since 2000, and in that time they've never raised my rates, but what the hell Netflix?
Greatest headline ever.
Best ever cover of They Might Be Giants' Istanbul (Not Constantinople).
The last know surviving dinosaur was the triceratops.
What is a derecho?
Front row on world's steepest roller coaster.
Five million 4chan posts visualized.
Because planking is so last week
Flanking (aka "fake planking") is the art of doing a plank, putting the picture of said plank in Photoshop, and using an elementary understanding of the program to create a plank of epic proportions. Sure, we made this up. But if taking pictures of people laying face down and motionless can take the world by storm, imagine what spiffier pictures will do?
As for planking, further research has clued me into its origins. While it's widely held that the fad was started almost 15 years back by a couple British dudes, the Alibi unearthed the fact that it was actually started by the mighty elephant seal, which spends the majority of its life planking. ... Although they could be a little more creative with it:
Things I thought were a dream but actually happened: extremely pointy Mexican boots
This is for real. Now let’s bring extremely pointy boots to New Mexico and combine it with planking. We’ll call it “pointing.”
Planking in Albuquerque
Why lying flat as a board is the new rage
Planking is what all the cool kids are doing these days. What is it? Apparently you just lay face down on any surface(s), with the stipulation that your body must be stiff. As a plank. That's really about it. It's kind of like parkour on ketamine—done by a sloth.
Being purveyors of all things hip and in-the-know, several Alibi staffers decided to explore this puzzling phenomenon. One finding was that your level of plank-coreness—at least in Downtown Albuquerque—can be directly attributed to how much pigeon shit you are willing to subject your face and torso to.
When I was a kid we used to have this thing called "sunbathing." You'd lay facing the other way, on comfortable surfaces like grass and sand. Not face down. Not in pigeon shit. Kids these days.