V.19 No.31 |
John Bear


Sunday morning, clawing nose

Why my cat is evil

I live in Belen and spend a lot of time alone.
After checking out the local club, music and social scene, I bought a cat at the shelter for ten bucks. It was the only way to keep from going crazy with loneliness.
My cat’s name is Scoop. She likes to roll around on newspapers and put her paws on notebooks.
I keep a bucket of fake mice on the coffee table. She likes to pick them up, fling them at my face, fetch them and bring them back. About 150 of the neon rodents lay stockpiled beneath the couch.
The beast compliments my more obsessive compulsive tendencies. She sits at perpendicular angles to the edges of rugs and kneads her paws a set number of times.
It’s been good. She makes a fine companion.
Having said that, she:
* Wakes me up daily at five thirty with a claw and whisker facial.
When I refuse to wake up she:
* Bites my feet.
* Jumps on my face.
* Lets out a trill that would be cute at, say, 3 p.m., but is nerve racking when day is just beginning to creep over the horizon (on little cat feet?).
This morning Scoop Polanskied me. For those of you who haven’t seen “Chinatown,” Roman Polanski makes a brief but memorable cameo in which he sticks a knife up Jack Nicholson’s nose and slices his nostril. Since Scoop lacks opposable thumbs, a knife was out of the question. She chose a hind claw.
Needless to say, I woke up. There’s nothing more depressing than television at 5:30 on a Sunday morning.

V.19 No.27 | 7/8/2010


The Daily Word 7.19.10: Roman Polanski, Bubble Lounge Shooting and Sandia Man Cave

The Daily Word

China uses more energy than the USA.

60 are dead in an Indian train smash.

“He awoke to a man slashing his neck with a knife.”

Roman Polanski went to the Montreux Jazz Festival; he had to because his wife was playing there.

When beavers attack.

Here are ten ways to scam the elderly. For ten more, send $10 to nickbrown c/o the Alibi.

Tiny hotel rooms are fun.

If you have to write a report on sea serpents, you should just copy this one.

Read a letter from Tesla about his Death Ray.

Paris Hilton keeps having pot in her purse.

Mad Mel might migrate; his Malibu mansion is on the market for millions.

A man was shot outside the Bubble Lounge at 6th and Central.

Matthew Dykes fell near the Sandia Man Cave.

Deranged and toothless, Harold Romero has escaped from a Belen mental facility. So, you know. Unlock your doors. Make pudding.

Don't take a gun to a knife fight, or a garage sale.

Happy birthday, Max Fleischer!

V.18 No.42 | 10/15/2009


The Daily Word 10.12.09: Polanski, Jackman, UNM Siren, Michael Jackson song.

The Daily Word

Roman Polanski is depressed.

Five missiles from North Korea.

Explosion in Pakistan.

There’s a new Michael Jackson song.

A guy slept through his house burning down.

Two Americans take the Nobel Prize for economics.

A zoo painted donkeys to look like zebras.

David Luis Aguilera remains at large.

A vampire movie will be filmed in Albuqueruque, Los Alamos and Red River.

Listen for UNM’s new emergency sirens around 11am.

Dad shoots son.

Somebody robbed Denny’s by UNM.

It’s Hugh Jackman’s birthday. Here are some boring, unfunny Van Helsing bloopers. Can you imagine how rich I’d be if I’d made up the word “blooper?”