A family in Abilene, TX found a rattlesnake in their toilet. Just to be safe, they checked under the house and found 23 more! Oh Jesus on a hotplate, that gives me the woolies something fierce.

Remember that creepy four-legged robot that Boston Dynamics made a few years back? Well, now they've added wheels and more functionality. Check out the leaked video, in which the founder of the company calls the robot "nightmare-inducing." Yeah, no kidding.

Archaeology find of the year: 12,000-year-old remains of a man with huge prostate stones in the Sudan. We're talking about the size of a walnut, here!

Um. I don't want to think of the implications involved in this study. It shows that corn-based diets low in vitamin B3 will make hamsters eat their young.

Tell your friends to move here if they want to escape the dust mite scourge. The coasts are infested with them because they need humidity to survive. Ugh. I could've lived without seeing the microscopic images.

Creepin' crawlers! What a shit day to look at the internet. This snake learned a new trick to lure prey: wagging it's tongue back and forth.

The oldest known relative of human beings was a millimeter long sea creature that didn't have an anus. (Pfft. Maybe yours, bro.) Why is there an artist's rendition? That's it, dammit. I'm done here.

Okay. So ... I don't really know how to explain the whole "laser versus anti-laser" experiment that Lawrence Berkley Lab just did. Just ... read this article. "First there is a laser. Then there is no laser. Then there is".

A "mysterious metal object" (read: part of a Chinese rocket)dropped on a mining operation in Myanmar. Someone obviously doubted the miners' commitment to Sparkle Motion.

In case you were wondering: Yes. Facebook does manipulate the "trending news." Just ask these whistleblowers.

Take a look at Scientific American's history of salt image archive. It makes popcorn good.

It's the end of the world! They're going to kill us all! (I just read about this robot who solved a Rubik's cube in less than a second.) Run to Canada!

Holy shit! Some lunatic physicists have measured changes in an atom happening in "zeptoseconds," the newest, smallest measurement of time (which is 10 to the negative 21st power of a second). Goodnight, everybody!

I thought Halloween was over. The first confirmed case of "zombie bees" in North Carolina. Parasitic flies. Larva bursting out of bodies. What more could you ask for?

This self-sustaining robot has a mouth, a gut and can forage for its food ... I don't like it.

In 1687, a ship's captain beat a slander lawsuit by "proving" that he and his men had seen a local brewer dragged into hell by a phantom. That's called "setting a precedent."

Why in God's name are two-headed sharks showing up all over the world? Someone's fucking with us.

You know that pesky facial recognition software that's always being such a buzzkill? Screw it up with these hideous glasses.

Tech freaks in the Netherlands created a new Rembrandt painting with a 3D printer. They used "deep learning" algorithms to analyze style and brush stroke depth. God bless them.

SpaceX successfully landed their rocket on an experimental floating ocean drone! But don't expect to ever see me on Mars unless it's just like Astronaut Jones.

So I've been telling people that when they develop super robot eyes with hyper-HD and x-ray vision, I'm gonna pop the old models out of my head and roll them into the gutter. Look at this intensely painful optical illusion and see if you don't agree with me. Ouch. My brain am equal hurt!

Speaking of robot sex; a clever study showed that people will still have emotional reactions to anthropomorphic robots, even if they don't look human. How it worked: A robot tells you to touch its hand, then touch its neck, then its buttocks. Guess what. Touching a strange plastic ass makes people just as uncomfortable as the real thing.

Apparently, FBI and DHS have been flying secret surveillance missions over ABQ since last fall, sometimes spending more than an hour circling areas of the city. At least one of these planes was outfitted with FLIR thermal detection and a type of augmented reality program that overlays street data on top of live video. AP blew the whistle just last year on surveillance planes being deployed all over the country through FBI shell corporations. Boy, do I feel safe and completely comfortable with this information. I hope everyone is reading this.

It's Velen-Times! Use this quiz to find out which of your sexual fantasies are shared by your mate. Don't worry. Only matching perversions show up in the results. Your secret "Bernie on a jet ski" dream will never get out.

EPFL scientists have developed a robot arm that is strong enough to pick up heavy objects, but sensitive enough to pick up an egg. Sexbot wars, engage!

If you can't figure out how to make your partner dump you in 10 seconds flat, call a taxi and cross your fingers that ABQ's Karaoke cab shows up (like gonorrhea, it appears when you least expect it).

Life-sized Star Wars sculptures made entirely from Legos are making an appearance at the New York Toy Fair. (Editor's note: Insert virgin nerd joke here).

How's this for romance? Mites are having sex on your face right now. I think that counts as an orgy. High five!

Want to make your partner feel like an under-achiever? Tell them about the man who cycled from India to Sweden to be with his sweetheart. (Don't mention that if it hadn't worked out, this whole thing would have been about the world's creepiest stalker, instead).

If you miss tonight's love fest at the aquarium, you can still catch up on all the sexy underwater happenings in the marine world with this intensely erotic look at fish sex.

Are you a hopeless un-romantic who hates this ridiculous holiday? Well you're not alone. Read this op-ed by self-proclaimed "Valentine's Day Grinch", Winthrope Quigley of the ABQ Journal.

The UNM women's soccer team is suspected of some weird hazing rituals.

Albuquerque voters will have the opportunity to "Legalize It".

Six New Mexican hospitals had personal patient information stolen in a huge data breach affecting 4 million patients.

A woman in Northern New Mexico snitched on an alleged coke dealer.

Ice bucket challenge fails.

Read about the EU's "right to be forgotten" law and how it affects journalism.

More violence in Ferguson, MO last night, now involving guns.

Uganda criminalized the transmission of HIV. Just like many States.

Skateboarder Jay Adams died.

A robot is hitchhiking across Canada.

In Atomic Gringo, you play a hard-drinking, hard-fighting robot stuck South of the Border. Battle hordes of angry attackers descending on your metallic, serape-draped form in this "rhythm fighting" game. What are you waiting for? Fight!

Navajo Nation suing Urban Outfitters for titling some products “Navajo.”

Arizona public schools ban Bless Me Ultima, the landmark novel by local literary legend Rudolfo Anaya.

Image of Jesus appears in a tortilla in Española.

Request your FBI file.

HuffPo article on the owner of Effex, an LGBT rights activist and a Christian Republican.

Farewell, heartthrob Davy Jones.

Recycling photos from around the world.

Understanding fluffed marshmallow vodka.

The Aquabats have a TV show.

Girls make beats.

Han Solo in carbonite crayons.

50 worst baby names.

Track down criminals with Twitter.

Bank of America rolls out even sneakier fees.

Yoga championships. It’s a thing.

The life of the robot.

President Obama gave the State of the Union last night. Also, bad jokes.

The owner of the Guild is appealing his 2008 fine for showing an adult movie during the Pornotopia Festival.

Navy Seals rescue an American held by Somali pirates.

Apple earned $13 billion last quarter.

You can't hide behind your encrypted computer anymore.

A Georgia Representative is trying to pass a law making it illegal to Photoshop heads on naked bodies.

Meanwhile, in Oklahoma a lawmaker wants to ban the use of human fetuses in the production of food. Wait, what?

Awesome article on President Garfield's assassination.

Lego Minecraft? Yes please!

Epic interview with Maurice Sendak on Colbert last night. EPIC!

You don't have to be a douchebag to enjoy this $100 cognac-infused bratwurst, but it helps.

Soon we'll be stealing cars from the Pirate Bay.

Buffalo chicken wing cupcakes.

The Cranberries are back?

Finally "his schlong" is a Family Feud answer.

How The Return of the Jedi should have ended.

R.I.P. Dick Tufeld, voice of Robot from Lost in Space.

Happy Birthday to The Honky Tonk Man!!!

Do I really need to sell you on a game called Robot Unicorn Attack: Heavy Metal? Of course not. You guide a bitchin' robot unicorn through a heavy metal death maze, leaping over demons and smashing through walls of skulls. It's got the most awesome soundtrack ever in the history of God and Creation. Play it loud! Play it proud!