The Bush Translator--President George Bush interrupted prime time last Monday. He had on his red “don’t f*#@ with me” tie and looked very dapper.
He spoke for about 20 minutes about 9/11 and "the enemy." Afterward, the networks, with the exception of Katie Couric, who was just putting on airs because it was her first week, went straight back to their regularly scheduled drivel.
I was furious. How could these so-called news channels not offer any commentary on the president's speech? It didn’t make any sense.
Then someone explained to me that, since the president said it wasn’t going to be a political speech, it would be inappropriate for the talking heads to start signifying.
The next day I sat down and translated some of the more suspiciously misleading lines from Bush’s speech. The dude can never just say what he's thinking. Don’t worry, George. I'm here to help.
Bush: “Yet, on that awful day, we also witnessed something distinctly American: ordinary citizens rising to the occasion and responding with extraordinary acts of courage.”
Translation: The rest of the planet is full of Nancy boys who wouldn’t urinate on their mothers’ head if they were on fire.
Bush: “Since the horror of 9/11, we've learned a great deal about the enemy. We have learned that they are evil and kill without mercy but not without purpose.”
Translation: Yes, we have learned they are evil. We haven’t, however, learned their location, so we’ll just keep bombing Iraq in the meantime. We don’t want to get rusty now, do we?
Bush: “Our nation is being tested in a way that we have not been since the start of the Cold War.”
Translation: We are being tested on how much lying from the president (me) we can stomach.
Bush: “I am often asked why we're in Iraq when Saddam Hussein was not responsible for the 9/11 attacks. The answer is that the regime of Saddam Hussein was a clear threat. My administration, the Congress and the United Nations saw the threat. And after 9/11, Saddam's regime posed a risk that the world could not afford to take. The world is safer because Saddam Hussein is no longer in power.”
Translation: I don’t have to explain myself to you. Yeah, I know, I said there was a clear connection between invading Iraq and 9/11 before, but ... what are you, a terrorist? You’re a terrorist, aren’t you?
Bush: “We will continue to give the men and women who protect us every resource and legal authority they need to do their jobs.”
Translation: Like tapping your phone.
Bush: “Winning this war will require the determined efforts of a unified country.”
Translation: Vote Republican or die.
Bush: “9/11 showed us why. The attacks were meant to bring us to our knees, and they did; but not in the way the terrorists intended. Americans united in prayer.”
Translation: Yep, religious vote guaranteed. I swear, this fake Christian thing works like a charm, Karl.