Alibi V.16 No.8 • Feb 22-28, 2007 

Some Frequently Asked Questions

On Sea Lions, Space Elevators, Swanson, Lorenzo Lamas and More!

Jessica Cassyle Carr

What are some interesting sea mammal facts?

Sea lions, not to be confused with land lions, are a subfamily within the seal family, so a sea lion is a seal, but a seal is not necessarily a sea lion. Walruses live in Arctic regions and are much larger, some weighing more than 4,000 pounds. Many cartoon characters are based on the walrus, and they are often portrayed as bumbling aristocrats. Porpoises are related to whales and dolphins, but are smaller, produce more offspring, are less tamable than dolphins and for the most part lack the token beak of the dolphin. Dolphins are a common tattoo on women, but chances are that many of these tattoos are actually porpoises.

What exciting new technologies does the future hold?

In the future there will be automatons, cyborgs, flying cars, food pills and the space elevator. And maybe a robot walrus butler with expensive taste. Either way, we will all be able to experience the joy of taking an elevator to our moon colony where we will have the luxury of circumventing the toil of shoveling food into our mouths.

For now, what is the premiere TV dinner?

That's easy, it's Hungry-Man. How could any mortal resist the char lines of that salisbury steak, the iridescent glow of the mushroom gravy, a mass of deliciously waxy peas and carrots, the cloud-like fluffiness of those mashed potatoes and, to round it all out, the wonderful gooeyness of the apple crumb desert, all totaling over 1 pound of food made right in the U.S.A.?! Nay, a mortal man would have an easier time resisting a cold beer after a hard day of manual labor. Thanks, Swanson!

When it comes to Renegade, is Lorenzo Lamas still prowling the badlands, framed for murder?

Indeed, he is. Lorenzo Lamas will forever be Reno Raines, and Reno Raines will forever be an outlaw hunting outlaws, a bounty hunter, a renegade.

Who's the best singer?

Much time and money has been put into finding the answer to this question. Many have died looking for the answer. Finally, in the year 1997, there was a breakthrough and at last we knew. It was determined that Kenny Loggins is, in fact, the best singer. He's also the best kisser.

How do I come out as an atheist to my friends and family?

Realizing and accepting that you are an atheist within your own soul is the first step. The second is educating yourself. You will never be able to convince your friends and family that you are serious if you don't have a strong argument. Don't be discouraged if people get frustrated. Just think back to how you felt when someone tried to convince you of Vishnu, the Horned God or Buddha. Finally, relax, and praise be.

What would JCC do?

I'd have a drink.

For your own frequently asked questions, call 311, Albuquerque's non-emergency help line. These people are devoted to answering your locally based questions, whether you've lost a pet, need a trash pick-up or want to know where to go fishing.