Dateline: Australia—It might have seemed like a good idea at the start, but a streaker’s on-field antics at a soccer match north of Adelaide last weekend came to an abrupt end when the naked fan knocked himself unconscious. Prompted by a $50 ($40 U.S.) dare from friends, 26-year-old Nathan Roberts ran naked onto the pitch last Saturday during the Adelaide Plains Football League preliminary final match between United and Hummocks Watchman Eagles at Virginia Oval. Part of the challenge was Roberts had to perform a cartwheel on the field. “Midair I changed my mind,” Roberts told the Daily Telegraph. “I half landed on my foot and went face-first into the ground.” While unconscious, Roberts had to be carried out on a stretcher. He was not seriously injured and did collect his $50. Roberts played half a season with the Virginia B Grade team but left suffering from fluid on the lung, pneumonia and an inflamed liver and spleen. Despite suffering a headache and a sore neck from his stark-naked stunt, Roberts admitted he’s up for a repeat performance. “I like a bit of attention and I’d do it again.” said Roberts. “But I’d up the price.”
Dateline: South Africa—Three people were shot dead and two others critically injured after an argument over penis size escalated into a bloodbath at a tavern in Umbilo, Durban, last Wednesday night. Police said Nick Jansen van Rensburg, 57, and Rory Menzes, 40, were both shot in the chest while Shawn Strydom, 33, was shot in the head at the Merseyside Pub and Tavern. All three men died at the scene. Two other men were wounded and rushed to a local hospital. A police source said two groups of men had been inside the tavern watching the World Cup qualifying game between England and Croatia. “At some stage, one man from each group went into the tavern’s toilets and there was an argument over the size of their penises.” When the men returned to their friends, the argument escalated. One group eventually left, then returned with weapons and opened fire. Police have arrested four suspects.
Dateline: Congo—Accusations that a soccer player employed witchcraft during a game sparked a riot that killed 13, a U.N.-funded radio station reported last Monday. Most of the victims were between the ages of 11 and 16, Radio Okapi said. Most were suffocated as panicked crowds ran for the exits during Sunday’s mayhem in Butembo in eastern Congo’s North Kivu province. Paying a visit to the hospital where many of those injured in the riots were being treated, regional governor Julien Mpaluku made no mention of witchcraft, but did confirm that Congolese army soldiers had fired into the air to calm angry crowds. The shooting prompted panic instead.
“There’s no way the Queen sits down in the evening with a pint.”
Dateline: England—No, the Queen of England did not order 2,000 pints of lager for a beer-fueled football party. A truck carrying 12 barrels of lager showed up at the gates of Windsor Castle after the suds were specially ordered for England’s soccer match with Croatia. Royal staff had no record of the order and turned the delivery away, reports the Daily Telegraph. Turns out the 2,000 pints belonged at the Windsor Castle pub five miles away in Maidenhead. “The delivery was late and we were getting worried,” pub manager Misko Coric told reporters. “At first we thought the driver may have had an accident or something, but then the officer informed us that he was calling from the real Windsor Castle and had a rather confused delivery driver with him. I couldn’t believe it. I honestly thought it was a hoax, but the officer insisted he was genuine and wanted confirmation that we were expecting a delivery.” The beer barrels eventually arrived, three hours late, at the pub. “It was very funny,” said a Windsor Castle spokesperson. “But there’s no way the Queen sits down in the evening with a pint.”
Dateline: Tennessee—Richard Anthony Smith called 911 on his cell phone to report he was trapped in an air conditioning duct on the roof of the Knoxville Museum of Art. Police and firefighters arrived on the scene to find a rope and cable leading to the vent shaft. Inside the shaft, wedged some 45 feet from the entrance, was Smith. Pulled out unharmed and read his rights, Smith informed police he was “a special agent from the United States Illuminati, badge number 0931” and had rappelled onto the museum roof from a helicopter. Smith, 25, said he was only following orders to “defuse and confiscate” a Soviet-made nuclear warhead, specifically a “MERV6SS-22AN,” according to the police report. The nuclear bomb was supposedly hidden inside a blue, plastic cow sculpture in the museum basement. However, Smith told officers his “agency” called while he was trapped in the vent to say it made a mistake and the bomb might be in a Memphis museum instead. No bombs, Soviet or otherwise, were found. Police charged Smith with aggravated robbery. He was being held on $2,000 bond at the Knox County Jail.