Dateline: Russia—British newspaper The Sun reports that a 28-year-old Russian man died after ingesting an entire bottle of Viagra in a bid to participate in a 12-hour orgy. Two women told Moscow police they bet mechanic Sergey Tuganov $4,300 that he wouldn’t be able to satisfy them both during a nonstop half-day sex marathon. Tuganov won the bet but collapsed a few minutes later from a heart attack. “We called emergency services but it was too late, there was nothing they could do,” said one of the female participants, who identified herself only as Alina. Medics on the scene said Tuganov’s death was most likely caused by the quantity of Viagra he consumed. There are 30 pills in an average 100mg bottle of Viagra.
Dateline: Montenegro—An unhappy man survived a suicide attempt after buying a coffin from a funeral home, climbing in and trying to shoot himself. Milo Bogisic, 52, paid cash for the coffin and asked puzzled staff at Palma Funerals in Pergorica to wait while he wrote out his obituary. He then jumped into the casket, put a gun to his head and pulled the trigger before the shocked undertakers could stop him. Medics managed to save him after the bullet passed straight through his chin and nose, missing the brain. “He was suffering from some family problems and was devastated that he hadn’t managed to end it all,” said a police spokesperson. To add insult to injury, the funeral home refuses to give Bogisic a refund on the still-unused coffin. “He’ll have to keep it,” said one worker. “He’ll get some proper use out of it one day.”
Dateline: Ireland—Police have finally cracked the case of the Emerald Isle’s most notorious speeder. After racking up more than 50 traffic offenses, “Prawo Jazdy” has finally been identified. “Prawo Jazdy is actually the Polish [term] for driving license and not the first and surname on the license,” an internal police memo cited by Irish newspapers last Thursday admitted. For years, Irish officers had mistakenly written “Prawo Jazdy” on traffic tickets because the word is printed prominently in the upper right corner of all Polish-issued driver’s licenses. “It is quite embarrassing to see the system has created Prawo Jazdy as a person with over 50 identities,” admitted the memo. About 200,000 Polish people flocked to Ireland during the boom years of the country’s economy earlier this century.
He had served in the military over in Iraq and could steal all the M&M’s he wanted.
Dateline: Maryland—Police in Maryland are searching for a 58-year-old man who stabbed his 19-year-old son in the rear end for refusing to take his hat off in church. The father and son had been attending a church service in Baltimore last Sunday. After the two argued about the hat, the father went back to his car for a knife and stabbed his son in the left buttock. Police issued a warrant for the arrest of the father, who fled afterward, reports the Baltimore Sun. The son was taken to University of Maryland Medical Center for treatment.
Dateline: Florida—Police in Fort Pierce arrested a 31-year-old man who claimed he should be allowed to steal candy from a truck stop because he is a veteran. An officer confronted Eric T. Ambrose last Monday morning around 3:50 a.m. at the Pilot truck stop on Okeechobee Road and told the man to empty his pockets. Inside them were three packs of peanut M&M’s, a packet of Circus Peanuts, a bag of Reese’s Pieces, a package of Sour Patch Kids, a box of Willy Wonka Nerds, two large Snickers bars, some Planters cashews, several sticks of beef jerky, a tin of chewing tobacco, two black T-shirts and a 20-ounce bottle of beer. According to the affidavit, the officer “could clearly see the pocket on the right side of the defendant’s pants was bulging and M&M’s packages could be seen.” At first, Ambrose said he had paid for the items, but a clerk denied ringing up any such purchases. A report stated that while in the patrol vehicle, Ambrose screamed out the window that he had served in the military over in Iraq and could steal all the M&M’s he wanted. Local newspapers were unable to confirm Ambrose’s claim of military service. He was held in St. Lucie County jail on $5,000 bond.
Dateline: California—Staff at the Santa Monica Pier Aquarium have an octopus to blame for their soggy offices. A resident two-spotted octopus was fingered in the watery vandalism. The tiny female octopus, known for being curious and gregarious with visitors, is believed to have tugged open a valve on her tank, causing hundreds of gallons of water to overflow into nearby offices. Aquarium spokesperson Randi Parent said no sea life was harmed by the flood, but the brand-new, ecologically designed floors will have to be replaced.