Dateline: Canada—Police in Ontario have announced who they call their dumbest crook of 2010. According to the Chatham-Kent Police Service in southwestern Ontario, there was a home burglary late last year and police appealed for the public’s help in identifying the thief. After local media published details of the crime, Constable Michael Pearce says he reported to work and found a voicemail from a man who was upset the report wasn’t detailed enough. The unidentified man went on to say that he had stolen way more stuff than was listed and hadn’t done it alone, either. He then listed the names of two friends who helped out. “He provided a recorded confession, hurting all their chances at trial,” Pearce told the QMI news agency.
Dateline: Canada—A Toronto mother says she was “horrified” and watched her young daughter closely for signs of sickness after finding a severed eyeball in a package of sliced watermelon. Turns out, though, it was just a blueberry. “I was going to slice up some watermelon for my daughter,” Carly Jones told the Canadian Press news agency. “What we thought was a seed slipped out from underneath one of the watermelon slices and revealed itself as ... an eyeball.” The family had already consumed half of the fruit. Jones took the package back to the store immediately. After “visibly recoiling from the eyeball,” the manager on duty offered her a $25 gift card. “At that point they actually thought it was an eye,” Jones said. “They went around and looked in their butcher section.” No one in the store’s butcher section was missing an eye, however. Jones posted pictures of the “eyeball” online asking for help, though few people identified it as an eyeball. Eventually, police came to Jones’ house and talked to her husband. “The police took it to a doctor who said it was not an eye,” admitted Jones. A spokesperson for the store where the fruit was purchased said it was identified as a squashed blueberry.
Dateline: Montana—According to the Great Falls Tribune, a man pulled over by police during a routine traffic stop thought he’d pull a fast one by giving the police a false name. Knowing he had warrants out for his arrest, Jonothan Ray Gonsalez, who was a passenger in the car, told police his name was Timothy Michael Koop Jr. Unfortunately, running that name through the police computer came up with a warrant for one Timothy Michael Koop Jr. out of Hill County. After being taken out of the car and arrested, police found half a gram of methamphetamine in Gonsalez’ jacket pocket. He was taken to Cascade County Detention Center on the evening of Monday, Jan. 3, and held on $5,000 bail. The next day, unable to afford bail, he confessed to a staff member that his name was actually Jonothan Gonsalez. Police responded to the jail and learned that Gonsalez had three warrants for his arrest. On Wednesday, Gonsalez was charged with issuing a false report to law enforcement, in addition to the drug charge from the previous day. His bail was set at $15,000, up from the original amount of $5,000. In citing the reason for the increase, the County Attorney's Office said Gonsalez' dishonesty about his identity was a concern. Police, presumably, are still looking for Timothy Michael Koop Jr.
Dateline: Illinois—Earlier this month, police responded to a call from Mullets Sports Bar & Restaurant in Homer Glen where an angry customer was reportedly causing damage to the facility. According to a report in the Chicago Tribune, the customer allegedly shattered a framed photo of A.C. Slater, the fictional, mullet-wearing jock played by Mario Lopez on the ’90s teen sitcom “Saved by the Bell.” The photo took pride of place above the urinal in the bar’s men’s room—at least until it was thrashed by the angry customer. What got him so agitated? “I just don’t like Slater,” the man reportedly told the owner after ripping the photo off the wall and smashing it on the floor. According to a Will County sheriff’s report, the unidentified man left the premises after another customer gave the bar owner $11 for the broken picture frame.
Dateline: Florida—A man who accidentally smuggled a baggie of cocaine into the Okaloosa County Jail quickly realized his mistake and promptly asked if he could flush the evidence down the toilet. According to the Northwest Florida Daily, “his request was denied.” Kyndric Dallas Wilson, a 19-year-old Mary Esther man, had the cocaine on him while he was being processed. When Wilson was informed by jail personnel that the drug’s possession would result in two additional felony charges, the Okaloosa County Sheriff’s Office arrest report states that Wilson responded with, “[Expletive], I knew I shouldn’t of brought that in. ... [Expletive].” Wilson was charged with smuggling contraband into a prison and possessing a controlled substance.