Elf lovers and environmental activists have joined forces to stop a highway expansion they say will have a negative impact on a major elf habitat. The two groups, united under the name Friends of Lava, are urging the Icelandic Road and Coastal Commission to abandon a project that would create a direct route from the Alftanes peninsula to the Reykjavik suburb of Gardabaer. Friends of Lava cites both environmental and cultural impact on the “Huldufolk,” Icelandic for “hidden folk,” in their opposition to the project. “It will be a terrible loss and damaging both for the elf world and for us humans,” Ragnhildur Jonsdottir, a self-proclaimed “seer” who believes she can communicate with the creatures through telepathy, told the UK’s Guardian newspaper. A 2007 survey estimated that 62 percent of people in Iceland believe it is possible that elves exist.
A woman fired as the face of the German far-right party because she was a porn star has now been banned from the adult film industry—because she’s a neo-Nazi. Ina Groll, who acts under the name “Kitty Blair,” was hired to be part of a high-profile campaign by the National Democratic Party of Germany. NDP bills itself as Germany’s “only significant patriotic force” and is widely perceived as a neo-Nazi organization. Groll helped the organization recruit young men by posing for posters and standing outside polling stations dressed in revealing outfits. That gig came to an end when party officials watched Groll’s latest film, Kitty Discovers Sperm. It is unclear whether the NDP knew about Groll’s pornographic alter ego to start with or if her latest film—in which she has sexual relations with a black man—was the breaking point. Once the information became public, however, a Facebook page was set up to oust Groll from the party. “Those who sell their body for money and disgrace their race have no place in our party,” wrote one contributor. After several high-level meetings, the NDP decided to sack Groll. Adding insult to injury, Groll has now been booted from the German porn industry because of her political ties. John Thompson, boss of the Berlin porn company GGG, told London’s Daily Mail that there has been a unanimous decision to boycott the blonde actress. “In the porn film industry, we welcome participants with all skin colors, and all nationalities, but we don’t welcome Nazis.”
A man is suing the City of New York, a hospital, a chain of cafes and a discount store for two undecillion dollars after he was allegedly bitten by a dog. Anton Purisima filed the $2,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 lawsuit in Manhattan federal court on April 11. Purisima’s handwritten, 22-page lawsuit claims the 62-year-old got an infected middle finger after being bitten by a “rabies-infected” dog on a bus. Purisima goes on to claim that a “Chinese couple” took unauthorized pictures of him when he was being treated at a local hospital. The lawsuit also points out that Purisima has frequently been overcharged for coffee at New York’s LaGuardia Airport. Purisima claims he is a victim of civil rights violations, discrimination on national origin, conspiracy to defraud, retaliation, fraud, attempted murder, harassment and intentional infliction of emotional distress. The list of defendants in the case includes New York City Transit Authority, City of New York, cafe chain Au Bon Pain, Carepoint Health, a New Jersey University Medical Center, a hospital’s emergency department, NYC MTA, LaGuardia Airport Administration and the discount store Kmart. Reporting on the case, the UK’s Mirror newspaper notes that two undecillion dollars exceeds the amount of money on Earth.
Police say a man dressed in chainmail and a helmet armed himself with a sword and shield before charging bravely into a Portland intersection on the morning of May 13 and doing battle with an evil BMW. Officers responded to the scene after the driver called 911 to report that a man dressed as a “pirate” was attacking her car. When police showed up, 30-year-old Konrad Bass informed them he was not a pirate, but a “high elf engaged in battle with the evil Morgoth.” Bass was cited for criminal mischief and taken to an area hospital where he admitted to being on LSD. Speaking later with Vocativ.com, Bass said, “That woman was totally bad-vibing me, and I guess I took it to the next level.” Bass confessed, “I wasn’t in my right mind. I was still rocking my new pair of elf ears.” The BMW suffered several puncture wounds, but is expected to survive. The avenging elf said he is into live-action role playing and often stays in character for days on end. He also “sometimes” takes psychedelic drugs while in character.
Police in Murfreesboro arrested a man on May 20 who allegedly tried to have sex with a bar’s ATM. The Daily News Journal reports 49-year-old Lonnie Jackson Hutton “pulled down his pants and underwear exposing his genitals” and then attempted to make sweet love to the cash machine inside the Boro Bar and Grill. According to the police report, he “then began to walk ‘nude’ around the bar thrusting his hips in the air.” Police were called, and Hutton was told to wait outside of the bar at a picnic table. By the time police arrived on the scene, Hutton had “again exposed himself and engaged in sexual intercourse with the wooden picnic table.” Miraculously, he was only charged with public intoxication.