Alibi V.24 No.14 • April 2-8, 2015 

Odds & Ends

Odds and Ends

Dateline: Poland

Cheetos are being accused of corrupting the immortal souls of children in Europe. The right-wing Catholic website fronda.pl is telling children who eat the cheesy snacks they are “dabbling in the dangerous world of demons.” Cheetos recently released a line of Szkieletory (skeleton-shaped), Wampiry (bat-shaped) and Demony (devil-shaped) chips. A spokesperson for the Catholic website said, “We view these crisps as dangerous, as by eating them children will be nourished by demons.” A spokesperson for beverage giant PepsiCo, which produces Cheetos, explained, “The Cheetos Monsters range in Poland was inspired by all things spooky but fun, and we’re surprised to hear that other links have been suggested.”

Dateline: Australia

Activists are criticizing the National Disability Summit after it was revealed that the conference was not wheelchair accessible. One of the attendees tweeted a picture of Deborah Haygarth, a speaker at the event, being carried off stage because the venue was not equipped with wheelchair ramps. Another photo showed the disabled restroom at the conference was out of order because it was being used to store extra chairs. Jax Jacki Brown, a disabled rights activist who attended the sixth annual summit, told 9News in Melbourne that only seven disabled people were invited to participate in the conference. “I feel like I was actively excluded when they realized I was a person with a disability wanting to attend,” Brown said.

Dateline: Connecticut

A defense lawyer has agreed to pay a $150 fine after dropping a baggie containing two ounces of marijuana in a New London Superior Court. Vincent J. Fazzone, 46, was in court around 11am when he stood up from a bench, causing the bag of what a police press release called “green, leafy plant-like substance that was suspected to be marijuana” to fall from his back pocket. Fazzone’s paralegal, Holly McGregor, said that her boss does not smoke marijuana. Although Fazzone declined to speak with the press, McGregor told the Hartford Courant Fazzone received the weed from a client, who allegedly found it in her child’s bedroom, then asked her lawyer to lecture the child later in the day on the dangers of drugs. While in court on an unrelated matter with a different client, Fazzone “put it in his pocket and forgot about it,” McGregor explained. “When he got up with his client, it fell out of his back pocket. After he was done with the judge, the marshal said when you’re done speaking with your client we need to talk to you.” Fazzone was cited for possession of less than four ounces of cannabis and paid the $150 fine.

Dateline: Minnesota

A man was cleared of sex charges after he admitted to ejaculating into a co-worker’s coffee cup—because jerking off into someone else’s food or drink isn’t actually illegal in Minnesota. John Robert Lind was charged with sexual assault after he admitted, according to court documents, “that he ejaculated on [the victim’s] desk and in her coffee on Aug. 26, 2014.” When investigators pressed Lind further, he allegedly admitted to ejaculating into the victim’s coffee twice within the last six months. He also admitted to four separate incidents in which he ejaculated onto her desk or other items. Lind and the victim worked together at the Beisswengers hardware store in New Brighton for the last 14 years. Unfortunately, District Court Judge Patrick Diamond ruled that Lind’s behavior did not qualify as criminal sexual contact since Minnesota law does not cover indirect bodily fluid contact. The state defines sexual contact as “the intentional touching with seminal fluid or sperm by the actor of the complainant’s body or the clothing covering complainant’s body.” Since the ruling, Rep. Debra Hilstrom has introduced State Bill 889, which would make “adulteration by bodily fluid” a misdemeanor or a felony if “a person ingests the adulterated substance.”

Dateline: California

A defendant on trial for bank robbery in San Luis Obispo told a judge the Virgin Mary ordered him to commit the crime. In order to prove his point, and the “not guilty by reason of insanity” defense he was going for, defendant Andrew Gilbertson then said the Virgin Mary also ordered him to eat his own feces—which he proceeded to do on the witness stand. Judge Donald Umhofer abruptly called for a recess following Gilbertson’s show-and-tell demonstration. According to WSBY-6, the trial resumed later in the afternoon with testimony from a mental health expert. Gilbertson is on trial for robbing a Bank of America in San Luis Obispo in October 2013.

Compiled by Devin D. O'Leary. Email your weird news to devin@alibi.com.