Watch out: A new supervillain has hit the streets! The Joker? The Riddler? No, it’s the Dastardly Dung-Napper! Des Moines poo-lice recently responded to a burglary report only to find that the stolen item was a bag of dog feces. According to the victim, the unidentified poo-pilferer used a blunt excrement ... ahem, instrument to break open the driver’s side door of the victim’s truck and proceeded to stink at hot-wiring the vehicle. When the turd-bandit’s Grand Theft Auto attempt failed, stealing anything in the truck appeared to be the next option. A bag in the truck bed was the only available treasure, and one can assume that “Aw, crap!” was the sentiment of the would-be car thief upon opening the bag of smelly swag. If apprehended, the caca-klepto faces third-degree burglary charges for the doo valued at $1.
Next time you eat all of your kids’ Easter candy, just tell them the Easter Bear did it. Two days before Easter, Estero villager Caroline Tidwell woke up to find a 300-400 lb. black bear in a sugar-glazed stupor in her living room. Clearly embarrassed, the ursine confection thief ran away. Tidwell was relieved that it only ate the sweets and not her cats, but was not in a hospitable mood when the bear came back for seconds the next day. She opened a window and enlisted her family in banging on pots and yelling “go away, bear.” Its feelings terribly hurt, the Easter Bear left to go track down the Easter Bunny for something a little more savory.
In Santa Cruz another larcenist is on the lam—this one for robbing a bank in a Robin Williams-esque drag outfit. Dubbed “Mrs. Doubtfire,” the male thief’s guise included a styled blonde wig, prescription glasses, navy scrubs and a purple undershirt. The ensemble was completed by a purse and gold locket. With a confident swish of his hair and a Sasha Fierce glare over his fashionable frames, the burglar handed a demand note to the teller and made off with a wad of cash. No one was hurt, and though he didn’t appear to have any weapons other than a killer sense of fashion, police are on the lookout for the hunky femme fatale who was spotted later the same day casing another joint.
A couple in Marseille are coming to terms with the outrageous idea that you cannot buy a person—not even for the whopping sum of $8,664 plus a used BMW—because it’s considered human trafficking. Perhaps they skipped the class on Louis X proclaiming the end of slavery on France in 1315? According to French authorities, Carmen and Mike Gorgan bought a newborn Romanian baby in 2013 from a woman with six other children. Mrs. Gorgan told reporters, “We didn't think we had done anything wrong. ... We saved a baby from poverty. As far as we know, this baby may have died if it wasn't for us." Midwives at the hospital became suspicious and alerted police when the Gorgans stayed by the pregnant woman’s bedside for two whole days, then took their “gift from God” and left the new mother crying in her room. Ten others are facing charges in connection to a Romanian infant-smuggling ring that usually sells the bundles of joy to French families for about $10,800. The Gorgans are facing possible jail time up to two years as well as a fine of up to $32,490—equal in price to about three babies.
Those damn neighborhood kids! The baby goat kind that is. Police in the borough of Paramus recently responded to multiple reports of “a disorderly goat head-butting a door.” It took two officers to capture the criminally rowdy mammal that was running amok in the street. Neither the goat nor the policemen were injured in the apprehension of the animal. Wrapped in a large piece of yellow plastic, the small, white goat took it all in stride, posing for photos with the grinning officers. Local authorities believe the goat, who is currently awaiting bail at the local animal shelter, escaped from a nearby residence and are to commence “interrogoation” soon if he doesn’t give up the name of his owner.