But What About The Children?

\ Jul 02, 2009

2 min read

But What About the Children? — People are disputing their paternity, but the boy clearly has Michael Jackson’s old nose.

Last night, while not sleeping due to an upset stomach and the unbearable heat, I couldn’t stop thinking about Michael Jackson’s kids. It turns out that I’m very worried about them, and with good reason. It looks like Michael’s mom, Katherine, will get custody, which all sounds well and good until you think about how messed up MJ was, what with the abuse and insults about his nose and being made to work at a young age and so never having a childhood. And how did this happen to MJ? His parents. Who will now get custody of his kids. Seriously, no.

To be fair, MJ’s mom seems considerably less insane than ol’ Joe Jackson, he of the beating and having sex with his sons’ groupies in front of young MJ. But she’s 79. The kids are 12, 11 and 7. Again, I worry.

MJ’s will states that the back-up guardian is Diana Ross, which sounds like a dream I had when I was 5 wherein which I go live with Diana Ross in a Barbie Dreamhouse but with more lamé. Diana played Dorothy to MJ’s Scarecrow in The Wiz . She seems great, but lady is 65 and has raised a whole pack o’ kids. And what if Blanket gets caught in her hair? We might never see him again.

So, I make the following recommendations for the custody of the Jackson children. Let me preface this by saying that despite their best interests, Hollywood/the government/most people rarely take my advice, and it never turns out well. I offer as examples the Star Wars prequels, the casting of Gwyneth Paltrow in anything and Crystal Pepsi.

First, place them with people who will make them feel good about being bi-racial so they won’t feel the need to go and extra-white themselves. People who have no desire put them in showbiz. Therefore, I’ve decided that the children should go to Tiger Woods and his wife Elin. They already have a couple of kids, but they can easily afford three more. They seem normal, mostly. Or, use Google images and choose the first people you find; I have to believe that’s better than being raised by a Jackson.

Still, I worry.