ARIES (March 21-April 19): Ten percent of all sexually suggestive text messages are delivered to the wrong number. Take precautions to make sure you’re not among that ten percent in the coming weeks. It will be extra important for you to be scrupulous in communicating about eros and intimacy. The stakes will be higher than usual. Togetherness is likely to either become more intensely interesting or else more intensely confusing—and it’s largely up to you which direction it goes. For best results, express yourself clearly and with maximum integrity.TAURUS (April 20-May 20): If it were within my power, I’d help you identify the new feelings you have not yet been able to understand. I would infuse you with the strength you would need to shed the worn-out delusions that are obstructing your connection to far more interesting truths. And I would free you from any compulsion you have to live up to expectations that are not in alignment with your highest ideals. Alas, I can’t make any of these things happen all by myself. So I hope you will rise to the occasion and perform these heroic feats under your own power.GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Dutch graphic artist M.C. Escher (1898-1972) was a Gemini. He liked to depict seemingly impossible structures, like stairways in which people who climbed to the top arrived at the bottom. I nominate him to be your patron saint in the coming week. You should have his talent for playing with tricks and riddles in ways that mess with everyone’s boring certainties. Here are four Escher quotes you can feel free to use as your own. 1. "Are you really sure that a floor can’t also be a ceiling?" 2. "My work is a game, a very serious game." 3. "I think it’s in my basement; let me go upstairs and check." 4. "Only those who attempt the absurd will achieve the impossible."CANCER (June 21-July 22): The Venus flytrap is a remarkable plant that gobbles up insects and spiders. Its leaves do the dirty work, snapping shut around its unsuspecting prey. Evolution has made sure that the flowers of the Venus flytrap sit atop a high stalk at a safe distance from where all the eating takes place. This guarantees that pollinators visiting the flowers don’t get snagged by the carnivorous leaves below. So the plant gets both of its main needs met: a regular supply of food and the power to disseminate its seeds. I’ll ask you to derive a lesson from all this, Cancerian. Be sure that in your eagerness to get the energy you need, you don’t interfere with your ability to spread your influence and connect with your allies.LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): A sinuous and shimmering archetype that begins with the letter "s" has been trying to catch your attention, Leo—sometimes in subliminal and serpentine ways. Why haven’t you fully tuned in yet? Could it be because you’re getting distracted by mildly entertaining but ultimately irrelevant trivia? I’m hoping to shock you out of your erroneous focus. Here’s the magic trigger code that should do the trick: Psssssssssst! Now please do what you can to make yourself very receptive to the slippery, spidery signals of the simmeringly sublime surge.VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Don’t burn down a bridge you haven’t finished building yet. OK, Virgo? Don’t try to "steal" things that already belong to you, either. And resist the urge to flee from creatures that are not even pursuing you. Catch my drift? Stop yourself anytime you’re about to say nasty things about yourself behind your own back, and avoid criticizing people for expressing flaws that you yourself have, and don’t go to extraordinary lengths to impress people you don’t even like or respect. Pretty please? This is a phase of your astrological cycle when you should put an emphasis on keeping things simple and solid and stable.LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): "Hello Dear Sir: I would like to place a large order for yellow chicken curry, cherry cream cheese cupcakes, and sour, malty Belgian golden ale. It’s for my birthday party this Saturday, and will need to serve exactly 152 people. My agent will pick it up at 11 a.m. Please have it ready on time. – Ms. Lori Chandra." Dear Ms. Chandra: I am an astrologer, not a caterer, so I’m afraid I can’t fulfill your order. It’s admirable that you know so precisely what you want and are so authoritative about trying to get it; but please remember how crucial it is to seek the fulfillment of your desires from a source that can actually fulfill them. You’re a Libra, right? Your birthday is this week? Thanks for giving me an excuse to send this timely message to all of your fellow Libras.SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Here comes the big reveal of the month; the trick ending of the year; and maybe the most unusual happiness of the decade. Any day now you will get the chance to decipher the inside story that’s beneath the untold story that’s hidden within the secret story. I won’t be surprised if one of your most sophisticated theories about the nature of reality gets cracked, allowing you to at recover at least a measure of primal innocence. I suggest you start practicing the arts of laughing while you cry and crying while you laugh right now. That way you’ll be all warmed up when an old style of give-and-take comes to an end, ultimately making way for a more profound new give-and-take.SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): There’s almost nothing about the dandelion that humans can’t make use of. People of many different countries have eaten its buds, leaves and greens. Besides being tasty, it contains high levels of several vitamins and minerals. Its flowers are the prime ingredient in dandelion wine, and its roots have been turned into a coffee substitute. Herbalists from a variety of traditions have found medicinal potency in various parts of the plant. Last but not least, dandelions are pretty and fun to play with! In the coming weeks, Sagittarius, I invite you to approach the whole world as if it were a dandelion. In other words, get maximum use and value out of every single thing with which you interact.CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): "Intellect confuses intuition," asserted painter Piet Mondrian. I don’t think that’s always true, even for creative artists. But in the coming week I suspect it’ll be important for you to take into consideration. So make sure you know the difference between your analytical thinking and your gut-level hunches, and don’t let your thinking just automatically override your hunches. Here’s more helpful advice from painter Robert Genn: "The job of the intellect is to give permission to the intuition, and it’s the job of intuition to know when intellect is once again appropriate."AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): It’s time to seek help from outside the magic circle you usually stay inside. You need to call on extracurricular resources—people and animals and deities who can offer useful interventions and delightful serendipity and unexpected deliverance. The remedies that work for you most of the time just won’t be applicable in the coming days. The usual spiritual appeals will be irrelevant. I’m not saying that you are facing a dire predicament; not at all. What I’m suggesting is that the riddles you will be asked to solve are outside the purview of your customary guides and guidelines.PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): These days lobsters are regarded as a luxury food, but that wasn’t the case among early Americans. In the 17th and 18th centuries, the large crustaceans were meals that were thought to be suitable only for poor people and prisoners. Wealthy folks wouldn’t touch the stuff. After examining your astrological omens, Pisces, I’m wondering if your future holds a similar transformation. I think there could very well be a rags-to-riches story in which an ignored or denigrated thing ascends to a more important role.
Go to realastrology.com to check out Rob Brezsny’s expanded weekly audio horoscopes and daily text message horoscopes. The audio horoscopes are also available by phone at (877) 873-4888 or (900) 950-7700.