Dateline: FloridaJasmine Tridevil milked a triple dose of internet attention this past week with the announcement of her new, surgically constructed third boob. She bolstered her claims with a duck-faced selfie showcasing the busty mutation crammed intimately between the original cast and crew—a space previously reserved for tips. Naturally, most readers were suspicious, but many of us wanted to believe. … Sadly, the sheiks and entertainment lawyers may now wipe the thoughtful expressions off their faces. TMZ gained possession of a document from the Tampa International Airport Police Department reporting the theft of Ms. Tridevil’s luggage from a conveyor belt. The thieves were apprehended by authorities along with the recovered property, but an inventory of items in Jasmine’s bag prior to its return included: a “3 breast prosthesis.” The math is confusing, but the implications are clear. Jasmine’s third boob was a hoax. It will be weeks before my Quato comes out again; he’s so disappointed.Dateline: IdahoEver wonder what the back seat of a cop car tastes like? Staci Anne Spence of Bonner County decided to find out while being arrested on battery charges earlier this month. Police arrived at her home to investigate claims she allegedly spritzed a couple with pepper spray while they napped in a parked van. Spence, 42, was quickly identified as the aerosol attacker, but when police attempted to take her into custody, she evaded two deputies and kicked a third. Leg restraints were deemed necessary, and she was placed on her stomach in the back of a police vehicle for transport to the nearest jail. According to the police report, the ravenous lady then proceeded to nibble through more than $1,000 worth of upholstery and foam cushioning. Not quite finished with her fibrous meal, Spence somehow produced a beer to wash down the upholstery and residual cottonmouth. Yum.Dateline: ChinaThe owner of a Yan’an noodle shop in Shaanxi province was arrested for allegedly drugging his menu items in a plot to make his customers addicted to yummy goodness. After failing a drug test at a random traffic stop and being detained for 15 days, previous customer Liu Juyou sent family members to eat at the restaurant. Police investigated the dopey noodles after the whole group of relatives failed drug tests spectacularly, each of them testing positive for opium. When questioned by police, the owner, identified only as Zhang, admitted to buying 4.4 pounds of unrefined poppy buds in August. Apparently his dastardly delicious scheme involved grinding the buds into a fine powder and lacing his entrées in the hopes of hooking patrons to his narcotic noodles. Though the use of such poppies has been banned, they have only a slight addictive effect that accumulates over time; the police released Zhang after 10 days. Use your noodle: Beware of soporific pasta and the amoral relatives who suggest that you try it.Dateline: Nebraska“Is there a doctor on board?” A Virgin American Airbus from Boston bound for LA had to be diverted to Omaha, Neb., due to what the FAA considered a “medical emergency.” On Monday, Sept. 22, one Doug Adams, 26, from Woodside, began exhibiting bizarre and threatening behavior. He had been mumbling to himself about trying not to be violent. Upon his return from the lavatory, he began arguing with a woman sitting next to him who noticed him wearing a medical bracelet. A flight attendant located a doctor on board who took the young man’s blood pressure and helped relocate him to an empty row at the rear of the plane. After intermittently pleasuring himself, the passenger lunged at an emergency exit and tried to open it. Adams was subdued by two off-duty Boston cops with the help of an LA filmmaker who, in typical fashion, shot footage of Adams being detained and subdued with his iPhone. Omaha police suspect the angry young man with the erection was—you guessed it—on drugs.
Compiled by Renee Chavez, Constance Moss and Carl Petersen. Email your weird news to devin@alibi.com.
