Rock on a Roller Coaster ... I Guess

Led Zeppelin: The Ride. Rockin!
Led Zeppelin: The Ride. Rockin!

I was just thinking the other day how cliché it is to talk about roller coasters in pop songs. You know, the roller-coaster of love, life or one’s feelings. Think: Ohio Players, Blink 182, Red Hot Chilli Peppers, Janet Jackson, Everything But the Girl and on and on.

Anyway, come to find out they’re opening a Hard Rock theme park (motto: Where Rock Comes to Play) in South Carolina. You can be the first with a seat on “Led Zeppelin: The Ride.” Try not to burn co-passengers with your lighters as you hold them up and watch them flicker feebly, symbols of rock ‘n’ roll’s weak, sputtering soul.

The Hard Rock website even offers an age-based itinerary.

Imagine genre-based rides.

A grunge tribute where the coaster of apathy takes you into the tunnel of disillusionment. You are slapped in the face with sheets of flannel while you float on the Mudhoney river, exit into the Soundgarden and wind up rocking back and forth alone in a heart-shaped box.

Or get on the black pain-coaster and enter the sandman’s mouth where a series of trick mirrors add flowing locks to the passengers before you enter the jungle and ...

You get the idea. Make your own!