The battle at Thermopylae is one of the coolest war stories in history. Three hundred brave Spartans battled to the death to buy time for the rest of Greece to marshal its forces and attempt to repel a Persian invasion.The recent movie 300 however strikes me as much like Las Vegas where they build a larger than life size pyramid and a sphinx, then wander around in the desert heat wondering how to “jazz it up.” So they throw on neon and laser beams and girls with breast augmentation. As if pyramids and sphinxes needed jazzing, up or otherwise. Egypt or Nevada, only one pyramid has been augmented and if one needs to ask which would be worth the visit, then one will have answered a host of other questions as well.Where to begin with 300 ? First, I saw it on pay-per-view since actually going to most movie theaters has turned into an untenable ordeal involving other people’s cell phones, public displays of affection that push the definition of affection toward the ejaculatory, and thundering levels of volume since people just won’t shut up . So, pay-per-view is now my night out at the movies. At least I can smoke.Ignoring the back and side stories, 300 creates a world in which the nuttier-than-nutty Spartan death cult is painted as some kind of uber-superior distillation of honor and duty. Forget their main hobby of infanticide. Forget their inability to just talk to people without sticking them with sharp objects. And, according to the movie, forget that Spartan architects seemed to think the perfect spot for a bottomless pit was in the central square (“You kids be careful over there. That bottomless pit is just for visiting dignitaries”). Forget that Spartan soldiers were called “hoplites.” The movie seems reluctant to mention this, as it might seem just a little too gay for a movie that takes “a little too gay” to subliminal heights (or depths) not seen since Some Like it Hot . Hop Light, indeed.Forget that, instead of standing alone, the real 300 had tens of thousands of other Greek warriors behind them and standing out at sea and wouldn’t have gotten anywhere without all that help. Frank Miller and company just couldn’t resist jazzing it up. Dialogue is delivered from the Spinal Tap School of Elocution where all lines are delivered at volume 11 meaning that even the day’s menu ends up sounding like, “EAT a hearty BREAKFAST for tonight we DINE in HELL.” All caps just don’t do this justice so try to imagine these lines spoken by an F-15 at full military power. The doomed, sardonic Spartan wit is lost in the bombast. “There’s a STONE in my sandal and my PINKY TOE hurts lie HELL.” Or, “I LIKE your ENAMELED SWORD HILT. It COMPLIMENTS the BLUE in your EYES.” Thanks a lot, man, but hey, Leonides, say it and don’t spray it.When the Persians demand the Spartans surrender their weapons, King Leonides replies, “COME and GET THEM, PERRRRRRSIANS” instead of the more droll, “Well, sure. Come on over and pick them up” or “Get close enough, and we’ll give them to you” I’d always imagined. When informed the Persian archers could darken the sky with their arrows, I’d always liked to think Leonides said, “Well, it will be nice to fight in the shade for once.” Instead, 300 gives us phony, stage-crafted belly laughs and “I’VE always WANTED to fight in the SHADE.” Jazzy, perhaps, but not really all that heroic.What is heroic is fighting on the losing side even when the loss is obvious. Anyone can be on the winning side. It’s easy to tag along with the big guns. It takes a real hero, a real samurai if you will, to say, “I’d rather die than be one of them.” It also takes a real hero to continue the fight with the philosophy of, instead of dying for one’s cause or country, to make the other poor son-of-a-bitch die for his. (And thank you George Patton and the host of other military leaders who’ve said the same thing). Bataan, the Alamo, the Tokugawa loyalists, the Spanish Republicans, the French Resistance, the Warsaw Ghetto, and Billy Jack’s Last Stand at the Freedom School are all examples of heroism. 300 is just another gladiator flick with pecs on parade and unworthy of the man who brought us Sin City and the Dark Knight .Forget the Spartans lost the battle. Forget the Persians successfully invaded Greece and burned Athens to the ground and put a yoke around Greek necks that would last for years. The Battle of Thermopylae is still one of my favorite stories, as it should be, and will be one of mankind’s favorite stories for 2500 years as it has been and will continue to be with no, none, zero, nada help Frank Miller and crew. Just don’t pay-to-view the movie. A TATTOOED version has more HEART and SOUL than this COMPUTER augmented MESSSSSSS.End of transmission.
300 For $4.95 Or Another Reason To Hate Hollywood, Even Hollywood Cartoons
5 min read
