A Landfill Of Can Openers

Clemence Schaumberg
2 min read
A Landfill of Can Openers
Can you do the Can-can?
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Why has our office had such problems with malfuctioning can openers? All we want is to be able to heat up our can of lentil soup so we can take it back to our desks and drip it on our keyboards in our haste to scorch our gullets. But we’ve been denied this quick lunch time and again due to cheaply made, wack ass can openers.

Our original office can opener, which I donated myself, I thought worked perfectly fine. Sure it was ugly and from 1976, but things were made solidly in those days. Someone apparently thought it was disgusting, threw it out and replaced it with a shiny new one. It opened exactly three cans before it decided to crap out on us. So, one more generous soup eater brought in yet another new one. This opener was much sturdier looking than the last. It was going to stand the test of time. Alas, five cans later and in the trash it was hurled.

Nick Brown came to our rescue. He brought in a $5 can opener he had come across at some discount store his wife was dragging him through. It’s a smooth running machine. A work of art. It gives me such satisfaction to cruise it through those tin lids.

I was telling our prior odd frustrations to a friend and he was able to relate, being lured himself by a random new opener only to find that it was a worthless piece of shite. Why even bother making the thing if it is rendered useless after a few cranks? How hard is it to make a quality utensil? What happened to the factory that made them in ’76? Maybe that’s where Nick Brown’s gem of a can opener originally came from, having landed in the discount store after its factory shut down due to competition from cheap, disposable “goods” made over seas.
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