Albuquerque Spider Club

Spider Group Forming At Some Point

Nick Brown
2 min read
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Is it Christmas? My birthday? There was a kid in the news this week who had two spiders living in his ear. The quack (I call doctors quacks, by the way) flushed the spiders out with a bulb syringe and one was still alive. The kid could hear them walking across his eardrum.This is big-time real, not like those dozens of other fake spider stories your therapist told you (e.g. the black widow nest in the wig, or the whole thing where we supposedly inhale an average of 8 spiders per year while sleeping.)

Once in high school (pun intended!) I was absolutely convinced that I had inhaled a spider. Those were gnarly times.

Seriously, though, we’re under constant peril of spider attack while sleeping. Maybe the new sleep machine they invented will help, where they can blast your brain with a magnetic pulse for 20 minutes and it’s equal to a full night of sleep. That would be cool because there are sometimes good shows on late at night. I think I’d have them blast me for like two hours until I started yammering like a witch doctor, then I’d wake up and have super strength. They should try making a show like that.

So, I burned my knuckles killing a black widow with a blow torch a couple days ago. Yeah, I know; they’re good spiders and I should let them live. Well, they can have the rest of the entire earth to populate, but I want them off my property. That goes for vampires and unicorns, too. They should make a show where a unicorn drives its horn through a vampire’s heart.

Some people are convinced that they’ve seen or been bitten by a brown recluse in Albuquerque. That’s wrong. The Brown Recluse doesn’t live in Albuquerque. It had to be the Apache Recluse, which is related to the Brown Recluse like werewolves are related to vampires. It seems a little like splitting hairs to me, but whatever.

There are lots of other spiders who don’t get much press. Note that the orb weaving spider is dangerous because you might have a heart attack if one were to crawl across your face. Thus concludes today’s discussion of spiders.
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