Latest Article|September 3, 2020|Free::
Making Grown Men Cry Since 1992
after my little fling with random man, and after a period of thoughtful consideration, I was thinking how much fun that had actually been, and that yeah, I just might consider doing that again—and perhaps a little less random next time … in fact, I decided, next-boyfriend would need to be a lot like billy bob thornton; plus, he should be a dreamy dancer, with an enthusiasm for polka, or at least the potential for polka … apologies to billy bob thornton if he already fills that bill as well, and that certainly seems possible, I just don’t actually know anything about the man …anyway, I was thinking billy bob thornton would make a good template—he seems to have the sort of energy I like—funny, mischievous, irreverent, playful, energetic, unpretentious, fun-loving … and thoughtful, he must be thoughtful … and kind and compassionate … of course I don’t know if billy bob thornton himself actually is any of those things, but I found him pretty appealing that time I saw him on letterman or something … plus, he’s pretty cute, and looks to be fit enough … an entirely satisfactory template as long as I get to make up everything else about him…so then I mentioned it to a few people … of course I have to tell Katie, as she’s always wanting to fix me up with someone, which is a really really really bad idea as she doesn’t seem to get my taste atall—which shouldn’t be surprising I guess since I’ve had about zero boyfriends in the entire time I’ve known her, none that she had any opportunity to scrutinize at any rate … but I thought maybe if I could plant a more desirable image in her head, perhaps I could override whatever image it is she’s been working from… katie does know an awful lot of people you know …anyway, I told Katie .. .and Quinn, and Sheila and Sara… Joan and Jim I think, and Anna … and then I’m at the launchpad waiting to see red elvises 2-3 weeks ago … Katie comes in and she says hey, did you see? billy bob thornton is coming to el rey … no, he isn’t, I say—not annoyed or anything, just, why on earth would she say that?yes, he is, she says … no, he is not—I look at her like, what the f**k are you talking about? … come, she says … she grabs my hand, we step outside, she points to the el rey marquis next door: billy bob thornton, august 7 … that is so randomly crazy that I don’t even know how to think about it … one couldn’t be faulted for construing it as a sign, but really, of what?it makes no sense … but it is hilarious …however—while I think he’s cute and all, I kind of don’t think that billy bob thornton’s music would actually interest me that much … I have such a specific sensibility, and unless he’s a lot more funky and a lot less mainstream than I’m supposing … still, I’m thinking I’ll go, it just seems like I should…then at some point I search billy bob on itunes, and I preview pretty much everything they have, and it’s nice enough, but there isn’t anything really jumping out at me, and I’m just not motivated to go out for music that I’m not completely crazy over, so I reconsider attending …then I get this email from matthew [music director at kunm, where I’m a volunteer dj] with an “interesting offer … billy bob thornton is bringing his band through nm, playing el rey, blah blah blah”—and he offers me a phone interview with billy bob thornton, next Friday—I’m assuming live during freeform, but whatever …so, jeez, what is the deal with billy bob thornton??? is this not extremely odd? I was just trying to set a tone, you know, set some parameters …never figured I’d conjure up the actual guy …but ok, yes, of course I’ll do the interview … I think I pretty much have to … and it probably won’t be exactly the interview they’re expecting … but it could be pretty entertaining.on a related note—I woke up eleven days ago without cats or even a thought of cats; I’m not even actually a cat person … by mid-evening, I had two kittens—utterly adorable and way too young and amazingly handsome—and I still had just a teeny bit of apprehension about taking on this level of responsibility … but all that’s another story, and besides, oh well, too late …the point that’s relevant to this story is that a week and a half after these kitties took over my life—on VERY short notice—they still didn’t have names … phrases that recurred from time to time included “my guys,” “hey you guys,” “where’s my kitties,” and “where’s your buddy”—”there’s your buddy” … but so far I just didn’t known what to call them—until just then…so, what do you think? "billy" and "bob," right?alas, there is no Hollywood ending to this story—it does appear that the sole purpose of the billy bob incident was to provide names for my kitties, as I never did actually interview billy bob—the day before, I was told that all his friday interviews had been cancelled …no matter—I’m madly in love with kitty billy and kitty bob!