Dear Jerk-Face

Jesse Schulz
4 min read
Dear Jerk-Face
Share ::
You know how when you poured that last cup of coffee the base of the pot was decidedly oriented above the mouth and there wasn’t anything coming out? That meant it was empty and needed refilling. You must not know how to take care of that situation. Allow me to educate you:

1) Locate the brew basket and take note of its position. The brew basket is the basket looking metal object that sits directly above the pot with a conspicuous black handle on it. Remove the brew basket.

2) Empty the used grounds/filter from the brew basket into the trash bin. The trash bin is the bin full of trash that should be more or less behind you once you successfully accessed the brew basket mentioned above.

3) Now that the brew basket is empty, briefly assess whether it needs to be rinsed of stray grounds. A flow chart to to help you with this assessment is represented by step 3a):

3a) Are there coffee grounds stuck in the now empty brew basket?

No —> Good. Proceed to step 4.

Yes —> Rinse the brew basket. Repeat step 3a)

4) Replace the filter in the clean brew basket. Filters can be found above the trash bin you discovered in step 2. Filters are the white, cottony-papery inserts in the translucent plastic bag labeled "Coffee Filters". If there are no coffee filters you will have to "Macgyver that shit." Contact me for an advance "Macgyvering" lesson at extension 229.

5) Now that the clean brew basket is lined with a fresh coffee filter it can be filled with fresh coffee. Fresh coffee can be found in the jar of coffee next to the coffee machine. If at any point you find there is little or no coffee in that jar, the jar should be refilled with coffee from the enormous bag of coffee to be found in the vicinity of the microwave or in the cabinet above the coffee machine. If the enormous bag of coffee cannot be located contact Molly at extension 257. She is smart, nice and more than likely willing to help you. Once you have determined that there is coffee and located it, proceed to measure out the appropriate amount as listed on the coffee jar. This will require either the long or short handled black coffee scoop found in the Ghirardelli mug next to the coffee jar. Use the appropriate scoop, as you determine fit by relative depth of coffee in the coffee jar, to scoop the indicated number of scoops on the coffee jar into the fresh liner in the clean brew basket.

6) When you have put the indicated number of scoops of coffee into the fresh filter in the clean brew basket it is safe to return the basket to the position you initially found it in and took note of in step 1).

7) Make sure the pot is directly beneath the replaced brew basket. This will require a certain amount of precision. There are 2 black guide studs to help you ensure the pot is accurately situated. The black guide studs are the black rubberized studs protruding form the base of the machine. Make sure the pot rests in between these studs—not on top of them!

8) Once confident that the pot is in the correct position, press down on the black "start" switch. If you are a novice user of this machine it may be worth your time to wait a few seconds for the brewing cycle to start so you can double check the accuracy of the placement of the pot beneath the brew basket. If the drip goes into the pot you can be assured it has been accurately situated.

Congratulations! You have made coffee.

Jesse Schulz

Graphic Designer,
Weekly Alibi
1 2 3 746