Dear My Television,

Levi Eleven
4 min read
Dear my television,
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Yesterday I was feeling kind of sick, so I decided you, my old friend commercial television, and I should get reacquainted.

I know this is a bad time to lay a bunch of shit on you, what with the
post-strike related problems you’ve been having, but we need to talk.

You’ve changed, man.

Don’t get me wrong, you still have plenty of good shows; better than ever actually, if you know where to look. I’ve been watching them on DVD,
Hulu, Netflix, on demand…I’ve also been illegally downloading them… sorry. I also know it’s crass to write this to you from the internet . I swear , it just kinda happened , I wasn’t trying to run around on you.

I still watch some shows in
groups or with the wife. We spend a lot of time talking though, or eating, drinking, sorting laundry, etc, and I haven’t been paying as much attention (the wife usually handles the remote anyway, so it’s never in one place for long). And I do put it on for background noise when I’m working, because music tends to distract me— you’re on right now in fact!

just watching it, right from the box …listen, I don’t know how to tell you this…ug. I put on Mad Men , it’s a great show. I’ve never watched it during the normal time slot before, I always watch it on demand. So what is the deal with the commercials on AMC? They are explosive deafening! Mad Men is a pretty low-key program; subtle, deliberately paced…then the commercials just explode . Like, wake-up-my-kid-from-two-rooms-away-and-through-a-door loud. It’s insanity, and not just the normally annoying ones like Billy Mays, local car dealerships, and J.G. Wentworth, but all of them, even the in-house ads. I know that’s your source of income, and we have this agreement, but still. It is so loud it causes distortion—the speakers buzz! Did you know, politicians are writing bills to limit it? And tech companies are inventing things to stop it? Listen, if science and Washington are getting involved, it’s crossed a line. This is an intervention.

And it just seems like
there are so many commercials! Sometimes the show is back for less than a scene before it gets back to the exact same commercials I just saw. What happened to “two and two?” Don’t even get me started on how reality shows always wait until after the break to cut someone. Throwing in those blurbs for fewer interruptions right at the start of another block of ads… that’s kind of a slap in the face, dude. It’s like they never stop too: I can handle blatant product placement, but taking up the whole lower third of the screen with animated bars for other shows… I’m trying to look at something here! There can be important things down there— the boobs are always in that section ! Stop blocking them!

And what is this I hear about
no more Saturday morning cartoons anymore? I know I’m never up or watch them these days anyway, but seriously: that’s a tradition . Remember when we used to get up so early you were still busy with the farm report? We’d spend the whole day together, just you and me. You are messing with my childhood here.

I hate to issue ultimatums, but, pal, you really need to get your shit together. It’s not like nobody saw this coming. I mean, this is your
job , stop jerking around your audience! Get a business model that works already! I hate to be the one to tell you, but I’m not the only one who is saying all this. People are talking.

Oh… I can’t stay mad at you. Look, I’ll see you tonight for
How I Met Your Mother , ok?

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