Pairs Figure Skating: Uncomfortable To Watch

Edith P. Giblets
2 min read
Pairs Figure Skating: Uncomfortable to Watch
The pairs toss, where the man lifts the woman up by her posterior and throws her, had not been invented yet, as women’s butts did not exist until the passage of the 19th amendment in 1920.
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Last night, I heated up some leftovers, poured a glass of white wine and watched Olympic Pair Figure Skating, thus making me fulfill a life-long dream of becoming the woman in a Calgon or Yoplait commercial.

I don’t have any particular feelings for or against figure skating. I know some people get upset and like to hate it, which just seems like a waste of energy and, you know, brains. It’s perfectly lovely and, I would imagine, incredibly difficult, requiring great athleticism. And sequins.

I’ve seen some great figure skating in my lazy TV watching career. It can be quite dramatic; when I get too invested, my butt jumps up each time the skaters leap. I have to concentrate and make myself not move, which results in cramping. Anywho, what I’m saying is that I’ve seen enough skating to know that last night’s performances by almost everyone in the world sucked, as my friend D. likes to say, a bag of dicks.

There was falling, falling, sliding and crashing. It was like watching college freshmen after a kegger on, well, ice. Baaaaaad. Except for the Chinese, who killed. I can imagine they would, since one of the backstories of the gold medalists was that they were married but had to live in seperate dormatories. Also, they were taken from their families as children to train. So, yaaaaay Olympics!

Watch a
montage of the falls here, via Gawker.
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