Snack Attack No. 11

Oscar Meyer Fast Franks

Jennifer Wohletz
2 min read
We’re going to hell for this and you know it.
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Microwaveable hot dogs with the buns already on them? Well, I guess that’s one way to solve the age-old problem of ten wieners and eight buns. But how could anyone in a normal or below average income bracket possibly justify spending $3 on three hot dogs to eat at home? I bought a pack for investigative purposes, and hid them in the back of the fridge so no one would make fun of me.

Finally I was alone, and I pulled off the vacuum sealed wrapper, unwrapped the first one and placed it (in its convenient little paper cartridge) into the microwave. In the time it took to unwrap one I could probably have cooked a dozen the old fashioned way. I zapped it for a few seconds, pulled out my weiner (I’ve always wanted to say that) and decorated it according to my personal desires.

I took a bite, chewed for a moment and contemplated how lazy we as a people have become. People in other countries don’t even have plain rice; we have pilaf. They get dirty water; we have diet sodas to keep our sedentary asses from hitting critical mass. They have Sally Struthers; we get Richard Simmons … OK, we’re even-Steven on that one. But anyway, the dog was perfect, the bun was perfect (although I could detect more sugar in it than usual) but the guilt remained. So here’s my advice. Spend $3 and get a dozen separate—the three I got will feed, like, one person anyway. The day that I get so m*****f*****g lazy that I can’t boil a package of m*****f*****g hot dogs is the same day I put a pistol in my mouth and end it. Wanna know more? Web ‘em at

Next week, the new lasagna pizza from Pizza Hut. It makes quite a splash (in my bathroom).
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