Snack Attack No. 15

Eggo Cereal

Jennifer Wohletz
2 min read
Wake up and smell the dicalcium phosphate.
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Leggo’ my Eggo.

That old commercial used to get me and my kid brother in knock-down-drag-outs over the toaster. Until one of us decided it was a good idea to try and pry the waffle out of the burning hot toaster cavity while it was still on. Howling with agony, I not only fried the shit out of my hand, I didn’t even get the damn waffle.

Yeah, I was the stupid one. I’d like to say times have changed me, but when I spotted the new maple syrup flavored wafflettes in the store, I hauled my booty down the aisle like I was running from the cops. I got that box home and vowed to be mature and wait until breakfast to take them out for a ride.


At 10 p.m., the bowl was crammed to the brim and I could smell the maple 10 miles away. Man, this stuff is schweeeeet! Literally. I think I need a cavity filled now. The gentle crisp of the texture is alluring—almost like the tender, crisp edges on a waffle. The cereal holds up pretty well in milk, too, which surprised me considering the cereal wasn’t particularly crunchy to begin with. Very heavy on the maple. Maybe a little too heavy—I had that yummy fakey maple taste in my mouth for several hours. The folks at Kellogg’s should consider parlaying this into a toothpaste flavor.

They also make a cinnamon variety, but I would be more inclined to buy blueberry if it was available. What’s a good nickname for fake maple, anyway? Faple? Fakel? Want more? Web ‘em here.
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