Snack Attack No. 17

Coconut Crème Coffee Mate

Jennifer Wohletz
2 min read
Tropical, liquid crack
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Java junkies of the world unite! This creamer is so rich it makes Donald Trump look like K-Fed. Tropical sweetness coupled with a metric ton of sugar and HFCS is the perfect start to any morning that involves heading to a crappy job you hate.

I would mainline this stuff if I had a large, hollow needle. The newest flavor of Coffee Mate is akin to a five-pound bag of C&H cane sugar and a can of Coco Lopez that have been magically concentrated into a thick, white syrup. I’m drinking it right now, but I still need more. More coffee, more coconut. More!!! MORE!!! RIGHT NOW!!!!

Sorry, I’m calm now. I’m a Starbucks snob, so I buy the good coffee anyway, but I swear to god and Howie Mandel that this new creamer would make Folgers’ nasty boiled carrot funk taste like Sumatra. MORE!!!! MORE!!!!

Sorry, I’m back again. I checked out the Coffee Mate website, and come to find out that this thin slice of paradise was chosen by vote to be the new flavor. I don’t know what the other flavor choices were (grass? dill pickle? goat cheese?) but it appears the right one took the taco stand. More. I need More!! MORE!! NOW!! RIGHT THE FUCK NOW!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAHHHHH!! EEEEEEAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!
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