Snack Attack No. 21

Chiquita Fruit Smoothies

Jennifer Wohletz
2 min read
Hell hath no fury like Carmen Miranda’s scorn.
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These things are not good. Seriously soury-grossy-poop.

I was roped in while sauntering by the freezer case, bewildered by the idea of premade, frozen smoothies that you zap in the microwave for a few seconds and then drink. But the packaging was excellent.

There are two smoothies to a pack, complete with little lids and straws, and they come in enticing flavor combinations like strawberry-banana, banana-mango, pineapple-orange and “passion berry.” I bought a two-pack of passion berry, followed the directions to lightly melt one of them, stuck in my straw and took a pull.

Blech! It tasted like I melted a strawberry Popsicle in a glass of milk, added some of that sour candy powder, then put all that shit in a blender. Even worse, the thing was filled with these little bits of dehydrated strawberry that needed to be chewed—a lot.

I also found it disturbing that despite the fact that Chiquita (purveyors of fine bananas) makes these damn things, there was no discernible banana taste. The only honest advice I can give anyone who buys these things is to use them to huck at passers-by, Republicans or anyone who likes Ben Stiller. If you must, web ’em here.
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