Latest Article|September 3, 2020|Free::
Making Grown Men Cry Since 1992
I remember when Lunchables were first introduced. They had two kinds: ham and cheese on crackers, and turkey and cheese on crackers. Both came with a little Andes chocolate mint. I didn’t see the mass appeal, because taking five minutes out of my day to slice a cold cut and a kraft single (for a fraction of the price) didn’t seem like an undue burden. These days Oscar Meyer has revolutionized the no-need-to-heat industry, while simultaneously taking the guesswork out of kids’ lunches on-the-go. While shopping at a local grocery chain store I noticed an entire chunk of the cold cuts aisle devoted to those little yellow boxes, only nowadays there are a crap-pile more choices than when I had to take my lunch to school. There were pizza, nachos, tacos, wraps, bagels and even waffles, cinnamon rolls and pancakes. And chicken nuggets. Cold chicken nuggets? I’ve eaten worse things during the course of my college career, so I decided to take the chicken dunks challenge. The package was obviously designed to get the kids’ attention, and it contained Kool-Aid Jammers tropical punch, a two-pack of Starburst and a white plastic tray with two partitions, one containing the dunks, and one containing the dipping sauce. A quick look at the back of the pack revealed the ambiguous sauce as being ketchup (eewwww), and so I obligingly took the plunge. The chicken was gross, with gummy cold breading that seemed to be indistinguishable from the insides. I even asked a friend to try one—he refused the thick, over-salty ketchup, took a bite, and said “this tastes like (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) with a hint of (expletive deleted).” Need I say more? But … It’s only fair to mention that the regular lunchables are pretty good, so let’s let the consumers be the judge. For more product info, web ‘em at www.kraftfoods.com/lunchablesmom. Check out next week when I throw down over Blue Bunny’s new chocolate-on-chocolate drumsticks.