Stop Smoking With Chantix

Robert Masterson
3 min read
Stop Smoking With Chantix
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I know it’s been a while, but this really caught my eye and I couldn’t resist making some kind of comment. You may have seen the tortoise and hare television commercials announcing that those fabulously helpful chemists at Pfizer have developed a fantastically helpful drug that may or may not help people quit smoking cigarettes. It’s called Chantix and the helpful pronunciation guide provided by the pharmaceutical mega-corporation tells us that it is sounds just like “ Chan-tix ” (they did the bold-face type, not me). I’m still not sure, though, if that means I’m supposed to call it “Shan-tix” rhymes with “antics” or “Chan-tix” sounds like “cough your fucking lungs out.” Another helpful fact in the magazine ad tells us that while “CHANTIX has not been studied with other stop smoking treatments…in studies, it reduced the urge to smoke.” I guess that means they only studied it a little bit or, in layman’s terms, until the convicts and mental patients force-fed the pills said, “Okay, okay. I don’t want to smoke anymore. Honest. Just let me go.”

Pfizer does recommend telling your doctor if you are pregnant or breast-feeding when you want to quit smoking because they don’t know “if CHANTX can hurt your unborn baby.” Honestly, however, if you’re pregnant and/or breast-feeding while smoking tobacco, I’d imagine there are other, larger issues at play that are beyond the scope of this helpful medication.

Other important safety information includes the warning that “some patients [i.e. convicts and loonies] have reported changes in behavior, agitation, depressed mood, suicidal thoughts or actions while taking CHANTIX or after stopping CHANTIX.” Or even thinking about Chantix or thinking about stopping Chantix.

Just the tip of the old iceberg here, though, because the “most common side effects of CHANTIX are: nausea [and] sleep problems (trouble sleeping or vivid, unusual or strange dreams).” Unusual dreams? Strange dreams? As if we don’t have enough problems, this helpful stop-smoking drug is going to fuck with our subconscious? We’re supposed to tell our doctor “if side affects bother [us] or do not go away.” How is dreaming that my dead relatives are all dressed in Daisy Dukes and fuck-me pumps while country-western line-dancing around my severed (though still screaming) head not supposed to bother me? And if these strange and unusual dreams don’t go away, you can bet I’ll be the first one to go back to side-effect number one: suicidal thoughts and actions.

Anyway, there are even more side effects but I have to ask my doctor for the list because it is either too long for the magazine ad or too terrible for public exposure. It’s a secret list. A special, helpful secret list of side effects only my doctor will give me. I really like the sound of that.

Of course, we’re not supposed to drive or operate machinery until we know for sure how quitting smoking with Chantix may affect us, but just reading the ad makes me not want to leave the house ever again let alone operate a drill-press. So, if those mean guys at the Alibi won’t share their salvia with us, we can at least get Chantix. Go ahead and visit the helpful website at while I look for a lighter.
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