The Second Annual Baked Goods Award Ceremony
The year’s best dispensaries and strains
Well it's been almost a full year under Great Leader Trump, and—wouldn't you know it—the world didn't end. The sky remains intact, women are still allowed to vote and (despite the president's repeated threats and insults) President Donald Trump has actually deported around 177,000 fewer people than Obama did in his first year. And so far, we still have our medical cannabis cards. Does that mean I plan on sending him a Christmas card? Of course not, dear reader. But it does mean that I can take refuge in my “I was right” dance, since I told you all last year that the sky would most likely not be falling anytime soon.
My more mild assessment of 2016's vote—the same one that left so many of my more reactive friends running naked through the streets and preaching hellfire (a trans friend of mine even quoted a Bible verse at me in what might have been the most surreal moment of my entire life)—has been proven right, and I can go back to worrying about real (as opposed to imagined) fears. At least until Kim Jong Un throws the ultimate temper tantrum in response to our fair president’s thoughtful words. Or until the Environmental “Protection Agency’s” (quotes are mine) decision to drill for oil in a part of the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge in Alaska results in the devastation of the local environment and wildlife.
But keeping one’s cool in such trying times doesn’t come naturally., and I give all the props to cannabis, my wise guide through the ridiculous pitfalls of the human condition. Thanks to my regular intake of strong sativas, I've learned the difference between paranoid obsession and legitimate anxiety. “Paranoia” is actually one of the benefits of using cannabis.
See, the problem is we're soft as hell. We go out of our way to avoid even the smallest discomfort, which has led to “paranoia” being listed as one of THC's negative effects. But cannabis doesn't make you “paranoid” in the schizophrenic sense—you don't start imagining dangers that aren't there. Instead, cannabis yanks out all the fears you've been trying to avoid your whole life and makes you look in their eyes.
Holy shit. Everyone I know is going to die. The sun's going to burn out one day. The human race means nothing in the full extension of time. The mean things I say to people stay with them. I don't pay enough attention to my dog.
Compared to that, Trump hardly seemed like anything to worry about. My advice for the next year: be more paranoid.
But you aren't here for a lecture. You're here to find out where my ever-judgmental eye landed this year. To the ceremonies!