Well it’s been almost a full year under Great Leader Trump, and—wouldn’t you know it—the world didn’t end. The sky remains intact, women are still allowed to vote and (despite the president’s repeated threats and insults) President Donald Trump has actually deported around 177,000 fewer people than Obama did in his first year. And so far, we still have our medical cannabis cards. Does that mean I plan on sending him a Christmas card? Of course not, dear reader. But it does mean that I can take refuge in my “I was right” dance, since I told you all last year that the sky would most likely not be falling anytime soon. My more mild assessment of 2016’s vote—the same one that left so many of my more reactive friends running naked through the streets and preaching hellfire (a trans friend of mine even quoted a Bible verse at me in what might have been the most surreal moment of my entire life)—has been proven right, and I can go back to worrying about real (as opposed to imagined) fears. At least until Kim Jong Un throws the ultimate temper tantrum in response to our fair president’s thoughtful words. Or until the Environmental “Protection Agency’s” (quotes are mine) decision to drill for oil in a part of the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge in Alaska results in the devastation of the local environment and wildlife.But keeping one’s cool in such trying times doesn’t come naturally., and I give all the props to cannabis, my wise guide through the ridiculous pitfalls of the human condition. Thanks to my regular intake of strong sativas, I’ve learned the difference between paranoid obsession and legitimate anxiety. “Paranoia” is actually one of the benefits of using cannabis. See, the problem is we’re soft as hell. We go out of our way to avoid even the smallest discomfort, which has led to “paranoia” being listed as one of THC’s negative effects. But cannabis doesn’t make you “paranoid” in the schizophrenic sense—you don’t start imagining dangers that aren’t there. Instead, cannabis yanks out all the fears you’ve been trying to avoid your whole life and makes you look in their eyes.Holy shit. Everyone I know is going to die. The sun’s going to burn out one day. The human race means nothing in the full extension of time. The mean things I say to people stay with them. I don’t pay enough attention to my dog.Compared to that, Trump hardly seemed like anything to worry about. My advice for the next year: be more paranoid.But you aren’t here for a lecture. You’re here to find out where my ever-judgmental eye landed this year. To the ceremonies!
Baked Goods: Best Abq Dispensaries
Best in Service: Verdes Foundation (7301 San Antonio NE)One thing I’ve never found at Verdes is a frown. The budtenders there are always friendly, helpful and (most importantly) well-informed. I’ve had some very enlightening conversations with Verdes employees who exhibited deep knowledge of the more obscure aspects of terpenes and concentrate production—a rare find in what is generally an entry-level retail position.Best in Quality: CG (6614 Gulton Ct. NE)I’ve been going to CG consistently since the beginning of last year. Their attention to detail is plain to see, and I’ve never gotten a dry bud or a spare seed from anything I’ve bought there. (Also: I thought they were always so friendly because they knew I wrote this column, but apparently they didn’t even know! I guess they’re just genuinely nice people. Whodathunk?)Best in Price: High Desert Relief (4840 Pan American Freeway NE Ste. H)High Desert moved earlier this year, but they still have the best prices in town. Plan on spending a few minutes here, since the place is almost always packed to the gills. Top-shelf flower goes for around $11 a gram usually, and you’ll almost always find something for $7 a gram.
Baked Goods: Best Strains Found In New Mexico
Best Sativa: Sour TangieBright and citrusy with a top layer of diesel, Sour Tangie is cerebral and mood-enhancing. I love this strain because it makes me feel more creative and quicker on the draw. The uplifting abilities of this tasty bastard make it the perfect choice for anyone suffering from depression or anxiety. May cause minor cases of “the giggles.”Best Indica: StarkillerStarkiller is dank and heady. I had the repeated experience of finding half-smoked bowls and saying, “That’s still going?” The powerful effects of this relaxing indica soothe pain and release tension. Despite that, it tastes sweet and fruity, and goes down easy. This strain will put you to sleep or make you ravenous—whichever comes first.Best Hybrid: Super Lemon OGHybrids are where you can find the real jewels, and Super Lemon OG has become a staple in my stash box. It tastes earthy and sour, and produces some of the most pleasant smelling smoke I’ve encountered. More importantly, it makes the mind creative and silly while bringing on a pleasant body high that eases tension and reduces pain.