Alibi V.18 No.33 • Aug 13-19, 2009 


Guide to College Majors

Sure, some majors are likely to land you more money than others, but have you really considered all the pros and cons? Read our guide carefully before you commit to a course of study.


Good For: Playing Balderdash; critically analyzing ramen instructions
Bad For: Dating attractive and interesting people who misuse apostrophes; changing oil


Good For: Creating incredible new investment opportunities such as derivatives
Bad For: Conscience-having; midwifery


Good For: Lego construction; building race of robot people
Bad For: Teaching robot people to love; dinner theater


Good For: Learning about learning; wearing holiday-themed clothes (pumpkin sweaters, shamrock ties, light-up snowman earrings)
Bad For: Being educated; misanthropy


Good For: Wearing pajamas to work; seeing some messed-up shit
Bad For: Not being covered in fluids; sitting down


Good For: Predicting the end of the universe; putting an end to your mom asking, “What did you learn in school today?”
Bad For: Watching “Star Trek: The Next Generation” with your non-astrophysicist friends ("Going through a wormhole at that velocity without sustaining a hull breach? I doubt it.")


Good For: (If a time machine to the ’70s is available) Investigating evil; speaking truth to power
Good For: (If a time machine is unavailable) Writing stories on the death of your own field; being comfortable with irony

Dental Hygiene

Good For: Free floss; rare opportunity to wear limited-edition Michael Jackson surgical mask
Bad For: Going through life without sticking your hands in a stranger’s mouth


Good For: Adding to your velvet hat and feather boa collection; sipping imaginary tea
Bad For: Nothing. No matter the situation, you can just act like you know what you’re doing


Good For: Collaborating with engineers on race of robot people; spreadsheets
Bad For: 01110010100, am I right?