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Latest Article|September 3, 2020|Free::
Making Grown Men Cry Since 1992
ARIES (March 21-April 19): This would be an excellent week to head down to Pucón, Chile, and hire a daredevil to fly you in a helicopter into the caldera of the active Villarrica volcano, whereupon you would bungee-jump out of the copter down to within 700 feet of the molten lava. If that’s too extreme or expensive for your tastes, I urge you to come up a milder adventure that will still bring you a close encounter with primal heat and light—and maybe even some divine fire. TAURUS (April 20-May 20): As a mouse looks for food or shelter, it is flexible enough to fit through a hole as small as a quarter of an inch. You would really benefit from having a talent like that right now, Taurus. Of course, even if you are as slippery and pliable as you’ll need to be, you will also have to be on high alert for the inviting possibilities, some of which may be brief or subtle. For example, let’s say you spy an interesting-looking person with whom you’d love to chat. The window of opportunity may be open for less than 10 seconds. Seize that moment! Refuse to get hung up in shyness. Don’t convince yourself that another chance will come along later. GEMINI (May 21-June 20): One of my Gemini acquaintances, Tara, has been playing a slow-moving game of tag with three friends since they were all in second grade together. They’re 27 years old now, and still live in the same city. Currently, Tara is "It," and has been so for quite some time. But she confided in me that she plans to make a move this week. She says she’ll sneak up on one of the other players during his lunch break at work, tag him, and run away before he can tag her back. I told her she’s likely to meet with success, since this is an excellent time for you Geminis to gain an advantage in pretty much any kind of game you’re playing. CANCER (June 21-July 22): "Far more crucial than what we know or do not know is what we do not want to know," wrote philosopher Eric Hoffer. This is a good idea for you to contemplate right now. I realize it may be a challenge for you to figure out what you would rather not know and are afraid to know and might even be allergic to knowing. Still, I hope you’ll make the effort. Maybe you could enlist a smart ally who’d be skillful in helping you uncover the taboo truth. And maybe you could formulate an intention to be as objective as you’ve ever been. LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Biologists say there are 680 species of trees and shrubs in the U.S. and Canada. By comparison, Lambir Hills National Park on the island of Borneo is the home of 1,175 species on its 128 acres. I suspect you will feel right at home in places like Lambir Hills in the coming week, Leo. Your own creative urges will be running hotter than usual, and are most likely to thrive in contexts that are themselves teeming with lush fertility and rich diversity. Please surround yourself with inspirational influences, thereby giving yourself the best possible chance to express yourself with vivid imagination. VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): "People travel to faraway places to watch, in fascination, the kind of people they ignore at home," wrote philosopher Dagobert D. Runes. Your assignment, Virgo, should you choose to accept it, is to refute that assertion. In other words, I’m inviting you to travel to all of your usual haunts and treat everything that happens there with the attitude of a first-time visitor. Just assume that the familiar people and places in your life have stimulating gifts to give and lessons to impart. Remember, though, they can’t do that to the fullest unless you expect them to. LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): The human brain is composed of 30 percent protein and 70 percent fat. So it wouldn’t be incorrect to refer to you as a fathead. In order to nourish your brain cells, you’ve got to eat foods that provide two essential fatty acids your body doesn’t manufacture: omega-3 ALA and omega-6 LA. Since you’re now in a "brain-building" phase of your astrological cycle, I urge you to get more than your minimum requirements of these basics. If I may be permitted to resurrect a now-out-of-fashion slang term, I suggest that you also expose yourself to a lot of extraordinarily phat sources of intellectual stimulation. SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): The mawashi is the loincloth that Japanese sumo wrestlers wear while competing. It’s rare for the garment to come off, even in the heat of a match, but it did happen once in 2000, when a wrestler named Asanokiri suddenly found himself standing naked during his bout with Chiyohakuho. In conformity with sumo’s rules, Asanokiri was immediately disqualified. I don’t think you’re at risk for being rendered literally unclothed in the heat of a showdown or a plot twist, Scorpio. But I do advise you to take extra precautions to prevent a metaphorical version of that occurrence. Get your act very together, and keep it very together. SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): "Dear Mr. Brezsny: My name is Sonny McGee and I own a website that caters to people who are addicted to playing poker. I’m a big fan of your horoscopes, and I’m wondering if you would like to advertise your work to our audience. Gamblers love astrology! Get in touch. —Sagittarian Wheeler Dealer." Dear Wheeler Dealer: Thanks for your interest, but I’ll pass. I don’t like to encourage anyone to focus their gambling urges on trivial matters like card games, sports events and lotteries. I prefer they direct that mojo to high-minded stuff like daring themselves to excel, pursuing exciting and idealistic adventures, and doing brave things to help save the world. By the way, it’s prime time for you Sagittarians to ratchet up your commitment to those kinds of gambles. CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): I hope you’re not so perversely attached to your demons that you’re inclined to keep providing them with a comfortable home. Why? Because the coming weeks will be an excellent time for you to permanently banish them from the premises. Yes, I know it may seem lonely at first without their nagging, disruptive voices chattering away in your head. But I really do encourage you to bid them adieu. By the way, as you plan your exorcism, you might want to include a humorous touch or two. They’re allergic to satire and mockery, you know. AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Beauvais Cathedral in northern France has been called "the most daring achievement of Gothic architecture." Its soaring facades, carved wooden doors, stained glass window, and astronomical clock demonstrate high artistry. There’s a problem with the place, however—it has never been completed. Work began in the year 1225, and experts are still talking about how to solve certain ongoing difficulties with its construction. I don’t know when this happy ending will occur, Aquarius, but I do expect that in 2012 you will be able to put the finishing touches on your own personal version of the Beauvais Cathedral. And now would be a good time to formulate definite plans to do so. PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): In my prayers, I’ve been negotiating with the Goddess to grant you the power to change the course of rivers, at least in a metaphorical way. I’ve also beseeched her to show you how to overthrow the Puppet Master and convert overwrought hawks into savvy doves. The Goddess seems to be seriously considering these appeals, and has even hinted she might offer you instructions on how to shape a new Adam out of one of Eve’s ribs, mythically speaking. In return, she does have one request: that you do what you can to make sure the sun rises on schedule for the next 10 days. Homework: Imagine what your life would be like if you licked your worst fear. Describe this new world to me. Go to realastrology.com and click on "Email Rob."