A common myth about Bigfoot—the huge, hairy, unknown beast reported by many but rarely if ever photographed—is that there’s only one of them. But, of course, if it’s a real animal, the creatures must have a large enough breeding population to survive through generations. There’s gotta be a boy Bigfoot and a girl Bigfoot, and after some sort of ritualized courtship (possibly involving gift-giving and/or a handful of warm poo), they do the Horizontal Bigfoot Love Dance and then we have a Bigfoot baby.
Sure, the fuzzy photos and footprints get most of the attention, but (jokes about large feet aside) Bigfoot sex is a legitimate issue. In his book Bigfoot!, researcher Loren Coleman attributes the relative lack of information about Bigfoot’s sex life to “a conspiracy of silence.”
Several eyewitness accounts mention Bigfoot gender. The most famous Bigfoot in the world is said to be female. When most people think of Bigfoot, they picture the footage, shot in 1967 in Bluff Creek, Calif., by Roger Patterson and Bob Gimlin. The film has never been proven real, and there are many unanswered questions about its credibility. But most Bigfoot researchers believe the Bigfoot seen in that footage is a female (named Patty, after Mr. Patterson) because they see large, pendulous breasts on the animal. (Curiously, the breasts are hair-covered and unlike those of any other known primate. If the “breasts” in the poor-quality image are instead parts of a costume that bounced as the figure inside ran, then the mystery is solved.)
“It smells like Bigfoot’s dick!” wails one TV station employee (about another’s cologne) in the film Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy. It’s a joke, of course, because who really knows what Bigfoot’s boner smells like?
Actually, a few people. A man who goes by the pen name Jan Klement describes in his book The Creature: Personal Experiences with Bigfoot his encounters with a Bigfoot he named Kong. Set in the early '70s at a rural Pennsylvania cabin, Klement writes that during one of his visits, he noticed that “Kong had arrived at the cabin with this massive erection. Usually his penis hung limp and after a time it ceased to exist ... . Limp, it seemed to be about an inch in diameter and about six inches long. It looked very human with a red head that occasionally poked out from the foreskin. His testicles were not overly large but they hung to about the same length as the penis.”
Bigfoot sex is a legitimate issue.
Just when you’re thinking that Klement is perhaps sharing a little too much, he describes another event: “There was a commotion among the cows ... . Kong was mounted on a large Holstein cow and was shoving away. The cow would start to walk away and Kong would lift his legs and hang on with his hands cupped against the side of the cow until it would stop and then he would begin working his buttocks rapidly again.” (Klement does not report any foreplay, nor is there a record of whether or not Kong called the next day.)
Bigfoot’s bent for bovine buggery isn’t all. A Canadian lumberjack named Albert Ostman claimed that in 1924 he had been kidnapped by a family of Bigfoot while camping in a British Columbia forest. He said he was abducted while in a sleeping bag and held captive for about a week. He said he was taken as a suitor for the young female Bigfoot of the family, whom he described as shy and flat-chested. That coupling apparently didn’t happen, though he did pay attention to the penis on the father, which he reported was about two inches long.
What’s it like to be sexually assaulted by Bigfoot?
Judith Frankle, a scientist exploring mountains of the Pacific Northwest, says she knows. She, along with someone named John Cotter, wrote the 1977 book Nights with Sasquatch: An Explosive Ordeal of Rape And Revenge Beyond Any Woman's Experience. According to the book’s promo copy, this is the account “of a woman forced to endure barbaric, sexual lusts beyond any human experience ... . A half-human beast whose primitive lusts stripped every vestige of civilization from her soul ... lusts that transformed Judith Frankle into a shameless savage desperately battling to survive her shocking nights with Sasquatch.” A male friend helping this poor woman survive her ordeal reports his feelings of inadequacy comparing himself to Bigfoot’s massive member.
Truth or fiction? As with other Bigfoot encounters, we may never know, but according to the Aug. 28, 2001 Weekly World News (a source no less credible than many Bigfoot sources), “A secret Department of the Interior report reveals that Bigfoot has been mating with campers for the past 20 years—resulting in a population explosion of Bigfoot-human hybrids in the Pacific Northwest.” I’m guessing collecting child support from Bigfoot ain’t easy.
Ultimately, of course any speculation about Bigfoot genitalia and sexual habits are mere guess and speculation. In Bigfoot research—absent any supporting evidence—one report is about as credible as the next. Until those Bigfoot hybrid kids show up, I’m skeptical.