Dateline: Connecticut—A 37-year-old man who officially changed his name to “Almighty Supremeborn Allah” was arrested earlier this month after Special Services Unit officers found $2,000 worth of cocaine in his New Britain apartment. The New Britain Herald reports officers were executing a search warrant on Almighty Allah’s apartment when the suspect fled the scene. “He ran and the officers used a Taser to get him into custody,” Sgt. Jeanette Saccente told the newspaper. After Allah was subdued, officers searched his home—unironically located on High Street—and found three grams of cocaine on a bedroom dresser and a baggie with another 18 grams. Allah was charged with possession of narcotics, possession of narcotics with intent to sell, possession of narcotics within 1,500 feet of a school or public housing project, and interfering with police. A judge held Allah on $300,000 bond following an arraignment hearing.
Dateline: Wisconsin—In other religious news, Bongo Jesus was arrested for attacking a critic with a guitar. Guitar player Brandin Hochstrasser, better known as “Bongo Jesus,” was busking on Madison’s State Street on the afternoon of Thursday, Sept. 9, when witnesses say the homeless musician banged his guitar over another man’s head and then tackled him to the ground. He then allegedly slammed a college student into a wall and wrestled with a police sergeant before being stunned with a Taser and hauled off to jail. “The dispute started over some questionable guitar playing,” police spokesperson Joel DeSpain told the Capital Times. According to DeSpain, the victim “went over to ‘Bongo Jesus’ and provided some sort of critique which did not sit well.” The 31-year-old Jesus was charged with battery, battery to a police officer, resisting arrest and disorderly conduct.
Dateline: Illinois—Sheriff’s officers in Cook County went to see why a Toyota Camry was parked facing the wrong direction on a street near the sheriff’s office and the county courthouse. Sitting on the dashboard of the car was a statue of Jesús Malverde, known to some as the patron saint of drug dealers. Instead of protecting the car’s inhabitants, however, the so-called “narco saint” merely tipped off police. On a hunch, the officers searched the car and found 50 kilograms of cocaine in the trunk—worth an estimated $19.3 million dollars. The statue of the mustachioed saint—a bandit that legend says was hung in Sinaloa, Mexico, in 1909—is frequently found in the homes of Mexican drug dealers. Its presence “definitely raises a flag,” one police officer told the Chicago Sun-Times. The two men inside the vehicle, Jose Ramirez-Rodriguez and Efrain Rodriguez-Juarez, are suspected of working for a Mexican drug cartel and were allegedly coming from a nearby warehouse with the load of drugs. The pair were ordered held in lieu of $1 million bail on drug charges.
Dateline: Washington—The Bellingham Herald reports 54-year-old Tommy Ryser was arrested on three counts of driving under the influence after police found him behind the wheel of a tow truck trying to haul off the two cars he had already crashed. The Whatcom County Sheriff’s office reported that Ryser crashed his truck into a utility pole in the town of Blaine on the night of Sept. 13. Ryser abandoned the vehicle, returned home and got his wife’s Volkswagen Golf. Unfortunately, he crashed that into a guardrail along Sweet Road, not far from the site of his previous crash. Undaunted, Ryser next climbed into his privately owned tow truck and attempted to tow the two other vehicles. Sgt. Larry Flynn was among the police officers investigating one of the crashes when Ryser pulled up to the scene in his tow truck. According to Flynn, Ryser’s forehead was covered in blood, and he appeared to be intoxicated. He admitted to driving the truck and the Volkswagen and was booked into Whatcom County Jail.
Dateline: California—A 56-year-old woman was arrested on suspicion of attacking an ice cream vendor and dumping bleach on his face and clothing because she thought he might have shortchanged her a week earlier. According to a police report, the unnamed 32-year-old man was selling ice cream from a bicycle cart on Deeble Street in Sacramento when Karen Lynn Washington grabbed an economy-sized bottle of bleach from her car and attacked the ice cream man with it. She was booked into jail on a charge of assault with caustic chemicals. The Sacramento Bee reports the victim was not seriously injured. Some of the liquid got on his face and in his mouth, but he did not go to the hospital.